To Restore a Clan
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]
1. Sasuke's Conclusion

**To Restore a Clan**

A _Naruto_ crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

* * *

Obito was a bit slow, that day. When Deidara used his final jutsu, the man of the alias "Tobi" had been just a tiny bit too late in slipping away. He hadn't fought seriously in a while, and his reflexes weren't at their best. Moreover, he simply underestimated how quickly the technique would go off.

The end result was that Deidara's self destruction managed to graze him: and with a technique that powerful, even a merely grazing hit would kill a normal person. Obito Uchiha was, in some ways, as far from normal as one could get while still being human—but he was still human, and still mortal.

It wasn't life-threatening. It wasn't crippling. Most of the damage was to the Hashirama cells grafted to the right half of his body. This would heal by itself, given sufficient time.

He could have used Izanagi to nullify the damage, of course. But the window for activation was relatively narrow, and he had, caught up in something like pride, been reluctant to sacrifice his spare eye to reverse the effects of something that had been his own fault, really. He should have gotten out of the way in time. He shouldn't have tried to get clever with the timing of his transportation jutsu.

Caught up with thoughts like this, as he slipped away into his alternate dimension, Obito hadn't activated Izanagi. This was the kind of thing that you had to be ready to do immediately, or it would have no effect. Obito missed his chance, so whether he wanted to or not, he couldn't.

It wasn't the end of the world. It wouldn't kill him. It wouldn't even put him out of commission for too long, really. Maybe a week or two at the most.

What could possibly happen in that little time?

* * *

A lot, as it turned out.

Sasuke watched the smiling face of his brother Itachi fall out of view. He felt the warm blood on his forehead, and he felt the utter exhaustion in every fiber of his body. His chakra was practically nil, and every last one of his active muscles burned with exertion as the numbing thrill of battle dissipated.

It went from his skin to the marrow of his bones, permeating every inch of him, stabbing into his nerves like a million needles. He recalled the time Haku had made him into a living pincushion. He felt a little like that, only a hundred times more sore and tired. Not just physically, either.

His mind was blank. Fatigued in every sense, in flesh and spirit alike, he had been worn down from sharply poignant care to utter, smothering apathy. He felt nothing. He was empty.

Empty.

A vessel with nothing to hold. A fire with nothing to burn. A man with nothing to do.

He had been an avenger.

Now his vengeance was achieved.

 _What next... brother...?_

This was Sasuke's last thought before oblivion took him.

* * *

He wandered through dark dreams at the border between life and death. For a time he saw the smiling faces of his mother and father, his family awaiting him from the other side of a narrowing river. Or was it that he waded through this river, crossing it rather than watching it become less wide?

It was difficult to say.

But this vision soon passed as life reasserted its grip on his soul. Another vision came in its place.

He saw his brother as he had once been, or as he had once seemed to be: the brother whom he had loved, admired, and envied. He saw the corpses that littered the family compound. He saw blood everywhere, men cut down in flight, women and children bathed in their own viscera. He saw his brother Itachi, the villain, the enemy, the traitor, the _murderer_.

He saw tears in Itachi's eyes, lying on the ground as his brother left the compound for the final time, leaving behind the fruits of an unforgivable sin. He was a kinslayer accursed, one doomed to a death by kinslaying in turn, blood repaid with blood. He saw the mad laughter in Itachi's eyes, once kind, once cold.

He saw the smile on Itachi's face and felt the final flick to his forehead.

This was too much for dreams to undarken.

The delirious paths of his mind took him wandering elsewhere.

 _To kill a certain man._

 _To kill my brother, Itachi._

 _To get revenge for our family._

 _To avenge my clan._

 _To restore my clan._

This had been his goal, and it was now achieved. His brother was dead, and the debt of honor had been paid. His clan was restored in that regard. Its pride was restored. Its dignity.

But was this restoration, really? Could one man truly call himself a clan?

Dreams of hopeful fancy, long suppressed, came dancing before the eye of his mind. He saw himself as a grown man wedded, head of the military police, with many children to care for and cherish. He saw himself rebuilding, repopulating, returning the Uchiha to Konoha. He saw himself old and glad, surrounded once more by a large and loving family, most renowned in all the world of shinobi.

A throbbing ache blossomed in his chest.

He remembered things forgotten, things learned when still he had hoped for more than death in the pursuit of honor, when he had still been young and foolish enough to think he could overcome his brother and restore the clan, _truly_ restore it.

Sasuke Uchiha wasn't a fool, whatever his deeds might say of him. He was a man of Feanorian determination and singleminded resolve. Once he set his mind on something, there was little that could turn him aside. Yet he was also naive, in his own way, and easily influenced. Intelligent enough to work many things out, but also stubborn enough to ignore the obvious, and desperate for meaning and direction.

He was human, in other words. He was a man young and passionate, filled with a fire of life that refused to be quenched, though it guttered now and dimmed to its lowest point yet. If another came, strong willed and possessing secret knowledge to sway his heart ere it could fill with its own new purpose, they could quite likely turn him to any end they might desire.

But Obito was still laid up, and though Zetsu reported to him of the fight that had transpired, in his weakened state the man who called himself both Tobi and Madara was not able to respond right away.

Konoha got to Sasuke first.

Taka, a close second.

* * *

When Sasuke awoke, it was to an unexpected sight.

He had supposed, given his much weakened state after the fight with Itachi, that Karin might be tending or fawning over him. If Suigetsu wasn't there, she might take advantage of him. He didn't know if Juugo would intervene in such an scenario.

Sasuke was vaguely conscious that ninja from Konoha were probably on their trail. He had crossed paths with a shadow clone of Naruto and dispelled it quite mercilessly. They had performed evasive maneuvers to buy time for his fight with Itachi. But somehow, Sasuke hadn't quite expected to see his old Konohagakure comrades upon waking.

Or maybe it was the fight that took him aback. On a certain level, he was genuinely bemused by the stand off between the Leaf ninja and his teammates in Taka. Shino and Kiba were squaring off with Suigetsu. Sakura and Hinata flanked Karin. Kakashi had Juugo pacified with a sharingan stare.

Naruto was standing over Sasuke, looking torn between triumph and caution. The blonde, naturally, was first to see the flutter of Sasuke's eyes.

"He's awake!" Naruto cried, as loud and excitable as ever. But the look on his face was mixed, and his posture not a little guarded.

Sakura looked over.

"Sasuke is—?" she said, before cutting herself off. Her expression was, if possible, both happier and more worried than Naruto's.

Sasuke tried to move. He found that it hurt rather too much to do so, and he achieved only a feeble shifting of his shoulders.

"Ah," he said, looking up at Naruto. He wasn't sure how to feel about the other's presence. Or how he _ought_ to feel, that is. His heart was not remotely conflicted, and it rose gladly within him, betraying the failure of all those attempts to sever that stupid, stubborn bond.

Despite himself, Sasuke felt the edges of his lips curl upward.

"Fancy seeing you here, numbskull."

Naruto tensed at this address, both happy and wary.

"Hey, Sasuke!" Suigetsu shouted. "If you're done lying on your ass, maybe you could help us get rid of these Leaf losers? We're a little outnumbered here."

"Get out of my way, you bitches! Sasuke needs me!" Karin protested. The look in her eyes as she glanced in Sasuke's direction was anything but tender, though it was certainly loving.

"What are your orders, Sasuke?" inquired Juugo, slurring a little through his sharingan sedation. He swayed on the spot, transfixed, if not wholly subdued.

Sasuke hummed. He felt another dull stab of pain. Lethargy weighed him down.

Thoughtfully, he looked around. He felt tired. Much too tired to fight. He just wanted to rest, to have the time to think and recuperate from these taxing, draining affairs.

He vaguely recalled his dreams. He wasn't sure what to make of half of them, or how to sort the associated worries. But one thing stuck in his mind, one foolish and naive thought that had struck his nine year old self when he'd still equated restoring his clan with repopulating the Uchiha sector, with starting a family big enough to become the clan's next generation.

Sasuke had always been something of a smart kid. Not nearly as cerebral as his brother, maybe, but he had certainly possessed sufficient powers of reasoning and arithmetic to reach this one, certain conclusion.

With nothing else he could think of, nothing else left for him to do in the goal that had so long consumed him, Sasuke turned to the girls. He ignored Hinata.

"Sakura... Karin..." he said, his voice hoarse and his throat scratchy. "Do you two wanna marry me?"

A beat.

A pause.

A long, pregnant, formidable silence.

" _What._ "

Suigetsu stared blankly at Sasuke. He forgot all about the two ninja flanking him, as well as the dog and the insects. His expression was slack, but a flurry of thoughts danced behind his eyes.

Kiba, for his part, gave Sasuke an angry look. While he was willing to view the guy as a comrade, he didn't forget the pains they'd gone through in their attempt to rescue him from the Sound Four and Orochimaru. Kiba was loyal, and that fiercely loyal spirit caused him to resent Sasuke's defection all the more.

Shino visibly cocked an eyebrow in the shade of his hood. For the Aburame this was a world of expression, and it said very much to those who knew him well. He was of a like mind with Kiba on this matter, and he was moreover touched by the absurdity of Sasuke's words.

Hinata's face was red on behalf of the other two girls, and she looked anxiously between them and Sasuke, clearly at a loss. She was sweet, and something of a romantic. Her feelings about Sasuke weren't very strong one way or another, but she knew that Naruto still thought of the man as a friend.

Kakashi seemed almost slightly amused. He shrugged as if to say _"What am I going to do with you guys?"_ and softly shook his head, although he kept his sharingan trained on Juugo. Naruto gaped incredulously. He looked about ready to sock Sasuke on the girls' behalf and shout _"What kind of question is that, you jackass?!"_

Karin stared at Sasuke. She blinked. Her expression was difficult to read. She looked at Sakura, following Sasuke's glance.

Sakura blinked. She stared at Karin. Her face was pink, and she curled her fists. She trembled, her expression vaguely dangerous.

Sasuke looked expectantly at the two girls he had addressed.

"Well?" he said, pressing them.

Sakura twitched, but Karin smiled.

"Well," said the redhead slowly. "I don't like the idea of sharing, but I guess pinky isn't _too_ much of an eyesore. Maybe she'd make a nice sex slave for us."

Karin grinned toothily, a perverted look passing over her face.

Sakura reddened at these words, and she winced. She looked long at Karin, then turned her gaze to Sasuke.

"Sasuke-kun..." she said slowly. "Three years... three years of worrying... and fretting... and now, when we're finally ready to bring you home..."

She trembled, and all the men in her vicinity reflexively inched away.

"... _Why do you ask me a question like that, you jerk~?_ "

Facefaults ensued as Sakura blushed and wiggled her hips, piping the last words in a girlish singsong that utterly failed to convey any genuine anger or disgust on her part. If anything, she looked and sounded foolishly delighted.

"Uh, Sakura-chan," said Naruto, scarcely able to believe that he now had to act as the voice of reason. "He also asked that other girl, too. Isn't that, um... against the rules, or something?"

"It's perfectly legal," Kakashi supplied blandly. "At least, where there are no laws. But in Konoha, at any rate, yes, it is against _'the rules'_ to have more than one spouse."

Sasuke raised his head, and he brought himself to a sitting position.

"Maybe they've changed the law since the last time I checked," Sasuke said. "But there's the First Hokage's so-called _polygamy clause_."

Hinata suddenly laughed. This took her friends aback even more than Sakura's response to Sasuke's question.

"You—" Hinata started, her face turning red as she put a hand over her mouth in an attempt to stifle the indecent sound of her breathless giggling. "You—You don't mean _that?_ Oh, but—oh, goodness. No. No, nobody would ever take that seriously."

Kiba gave Hinata a bemused look. Shino also looked curious.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" said Naruto.

"From the regulations on village life and homestead organization, pertaining especially to a shinobi's domestic obligations," supplied Sakura, sounding like she was quoting a passage from memory. "Section three, concerning marriage and parental duties, subsection seven. _The_ _polygamy clause_."

Naruto blinked.

"Huh?"

"It's an old law," said Hinata, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Or rather, an old exception to the law outlining the circumstances under which a shinobi might potentially have multiple spouses. Nobody takes it seriously, though. It's just..."

Sasuke shrugged.

"It's still on the books, so it's still the law," he said bluntly. "Though perhaps it would have been more correct for me to ask Naruto to arrange a political marriage between myself and Karin."

"What authority would he have to do that?" Karin blurted out.

"Why would you ask ME to do that?" added Naruto.

Sasuke stared at them.

"You're _Uzumaki_ , right?"

Karin and Naruto both nodded, the latter looking a little more confused than the former. Then each of them noticed the other's gesture. Karin's eyes widened.

"Oh, I get it," she said. "He's the oldest known male member of the clan, then? That makes sense."

"What makes sense? _Clan?_ " said Naruto, bewildered. "What clan?"

Karin turned to look at him.

"You said you're an Uzumaki, didn't you?"

"I didn't _say_ it," Naruto said. "But, yeah. I'm Naruto Uzumaki. And your last name is Uzumaki too? Are we related, then?"

Karin stared.

"...oh, hell. You're the oldest known male member of the clan." Her tone was now rather despairing.

"Seriously!" Naruto said, throwing his hands up in frustration. " _What_ clan?!"

* * *

Once the necessary explanations about the Uzumaki clan, Naruto and Karin's likely relation, and the concept of primogeniture were out of the way, Sasuke looked once more at the blonde.

"So, Naruto. Would you agree to arrange a political marriage between our clans?" Almost as an afterthought, he added, "You're willing to acknowledge him as your clan leader, right, Karin?"

Karin shrugged hopelessly.

"If it gets me closer to you, Sasuke-kun..." Her expression was not unhappy. "I suppose I can swallow it. And anything else you might want to ram down my throat, too~"

She added this innuendo cheerfully, licking her lips as her glasses fogged up.

"Alright, then," Sasuke said. "So, that settles that."

"THE HELL IT DOES!" Kiba and Suigetsu burst out in unison, both having broadly similar temperaments and feelings about Sasuke, whatever the difference of their morals and affiliations. "Seriously, are we supposed to just take this at face value? I've never heard anything so stupid!"

The two boisterous young men paused and gave each other assessing looks. Then they looked once more at Sasuke.

"I concur," said Shino. "Why? Because Hinata expressed the opinion that this polygamy clause is not observed by village leadership."

"Yes," said Juugo hesitantly. "It does seem a little..."

"I don't have a problem with it," Sakura provided. At the disbelieving looks from the others, she caved and conceded: "Okay, I have _loads_ of problems with it. But I'm kind of desperate here, you know? If marrying Sasuke and... and accepting his arrangement is what it takes to get him to return to Konoha, I can accept it. I'm not a child. I'll do whatever it takes."

"A fine sentiment," Sasuke said. "And you have good a behind, too. Nice hips. You ought to be able to rear plenty of children."

He gave a thumbs up. Sakura blushed at the words, even if the sentiment he expressed was almost comically old fashioned.

She was not displeased.

"What about me, Sasuke-kun?" asked Karin, imploringly wiggling her hips.

A beat.

"...you're willing," said Sasuke bluntly.

"Nngh!❤" Karin nearly doubled over, an expression of perfect bliss on her face. "Sasuke-samaaa...❤"

Suigetsu made a coughing noise that sounded suspiciously like the word _masochist_.

* * *

A/N: I've always, always, ALWAYS been a sucker for harems. They are dumb, unrealistic, and objectifying—but I still love them in all their shallow and idiotic contrivance. I just can't write them _seriously_. It either has to be smut, or parody—or both.

By necessity of the rating, this fic leans more toward the latter.

 **Updated:** 3-17-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


	2. A Convenient Untruth

**To Restore a Clan**

A _Naruto_ crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

* * *

"Congratulations on fulfilling your mission, Sasuke Uchiha. You successfully infiltrated the Hidden Sound village and gathered intelligence on their jutsu until such a time as you were able to assassinate their leader, the rogue ninja Orochimaru. You recruited a handful of Orochimaru's most important young followers and test subjects and dispatched the terrorist Deidara, who was responsible for the abduction and near death of the Kazekage, removing one of the Akatsuki's more dangerous members from play. Lastly, you tracked down and dispatched the traitor Itachi, who was responsible for the massacre of the Uchiha clan, and in doing so again significantly reduced Akatsuki's capabilities. For these and other meritorious accomplishments over the course of your mission, I hereby promote you, using all my authority as Hokage, to the rank of special jounin. Now that it is finished, I believe it is safe for me to declassify your assignment. Your services to the village will not go unrecognized."

There was a long silence as Tsunade finished, pausing to take a deep breath. She leaned over her desk, hands folded under her nose, looking intently at Sasuke and the others in the office.

"Wait, were you really on a mission from Konoha all this time?" said Suigetsu, his eyes widening as he looked at Sasuke.

The Hozuki clansman and former test subject had been considerably reluctant to come along to Konoha, but he had been even more reluctant to get left by himself in the middle of nowhere not far from the site of an Akatsuki member's death. So while he had ultimately agreed to follow the rest of Taka to Konoha—Karin coming because of the informally promised arrangement of a political marriage, Juugo because of simple loyalty to Sasuke—he wasn't exactly hyped about being here. Although he did appreciate the view of Tsunade resting her ridiculously large chest on her desk. But he could probably get a similar view if he went to Kirigakure, from what he'd heard about the new Mizukage.

Karin was too lost in rapturous fantasies to think much about what Tsunade said, but she was as pleased to hear all this as was someone who heard a renowned critic effusively praising one of their favorite stories.

Juugo looked at Sasuke in a new light. He wasn't unhappy at the idea that everything the man had done had been on the orders of his village.

For a long moment, Sasuke held Tsunade's gaze without faltering. He seemed perfectly cool and composed.

Then, without once compromising this appearance, he opened his mouth and spoke.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Yeah, Granny!" Naruto added. "What's all that garbage?"

One of Tsunade's eyes twitched. She eyed these two with annoyance and cleared her throat. She gave a meaningful look to Sakura and Kakashi.

Sakura was intelligent, and in many ways fairly perceptive. She knew the shinobi rulebook by heart, and she had enough familiarity with Tsunade, as the woman's student, to be able to gauge her intent. Kakashi was a jounin and village elite with two decades of battlefield experience. He was a former ANBU captain, and well-acquainted with the dirtier and more ambiguous politics of a ninja village.

These two, at least, could guess Tsunade's point.

But Sasuke was too straightforward to take the hint just yet. He opened his mouth again after a brief silence, likely intending to press the Hokage to explain these wild and (to him) irrational falsehoods.

"Oh," Juugo said, interrupting, being the first of Taka whom understanding reached. "I see. You're saving face for the village by pretending Sasuke's defection was part of a secret mission."

Tsunade did not dignify this with a response, but the slight gritting of her teeth suggested that Juugo had struck pretty close to the mark.

Suigetsu laughed, spotting this.

"I see!" he said. "So it's just politics, then. It'll make things look better for you if you play this off like it was planned from the start. Not a bad idea, I guess."

Tsunade twitched and shot a piercing look at the swordsman.

He stiffened and quickly paled, feeling a chill of deathly fear.

"As I was saying, Sasuke Uchiha," Tsunade said through gritted teeth, "now that you have completed your mission, it is safe for the rest of the village to know that your supposed _defection_ was really just a ruse to let you infiltrate the Hidden Sound following their invasion. And once it was clear that they were no longer a threat, you turned your focus to Akatsuki and eliminated two of their members. Even if you actually _had_ defected from the village, terminating Orochimaru or Itachi would be enough to excuse any such transgression, and dealing with both of them as well as Deidara would warrant a considerable reward. But the reality is tidier."

"Of course," Sasuke said, finally grasping what she meant. "It was my honor, Hokage-sama."

Once Juugo spoke, he'd understood Tsunade's aim. That didn't mean he necessarily agreed with her method, but he could see how this would be beneficial for both of them. Tsunade could assert that the whole situation with him had actually been under her control the entire time, much strengthening her position as Hokage. For his own part, he would be able to integrate back into Konoha as though there had never been any defection or collusion with traitors, which would be most convenient for his ambitions.

Even Naruto had gotten the hint by now, and while a part of him was clearly irked by the seeming unfairness of this, another part of him was visibly glad to have his friend back in the village. And it was a lesson on political maneuvering that might serve him well, should he one day become Hokage. He was a fairly honest kid by nature, so it was probably good for him to see now how certain kinds of lies could be useful to a leader. Not that it was good for a leader to be a habitual liar, of course, but neither was it good to be unconditionally honest.

Still, there was a touch of irritation, and a little confusion.

"What were our past missions, then?" Naruto interjected, giving Tsunade a somewhat sullen look.

"Covert exchanges of intelligence," Tsunade replied without missing a beat. "We couldn't afford to make frequent, direct contact with Sasuke without raising suspicion, but it was necessary to be able to pick up reports and leave instructions. So you, Naruto, cleverly proposed the cover story of attempting to bring Sasuke back to the village, allowing you to take periodic assignments to seek him out and try to make contact without raising the wrong kind of suspicions. By focusing people's attention on your announced determination to return Sasuke to the village, you were able to distract from the covert visits to pre-arranged exchange points, letting Orochimaru's people think that you were simply trying and failing to reach Sasuke himself. There were a few near missteps, but ultimately you carried out these assignments flawlessly. Keeping you a genin on paper was also conducive to maintaining this misdirection, but now that there's no further need for that, I see no reason not to have your rank officially updated to reflect your performance and abilities as a special jounin."

She gave Naruto a pointed look, making it clear that all of this was just bribery to make him second her official account. Despite his usual integrity, the blonde was sufficiently pleased at the idea of being promoted—to a higher rank than nearly all his peers, and not really undeservedly—that he simply smiled and nodded.

Sakura looked at her two male teammates, wondering if she should ask Tsunade what _she_ would get in return for helping to cover the village leadership's collective ass. Before she could decide whether to say anything, however, Karin spoke up.

"Will you allow Sasuke-kun to take me and his teammate as his wives, then?" Karin asked. "Since he was _actually_ working for Konoha this whole time?"

Her tone made it clear that she grasped perfectly well the power play that was going on here.

Tsunade gave Karin an unreadable look.

"Ah, yes," she said. "One of the Hidden Sound defectors. Korin, was it?"

" _Karin_ , actually. Karin Uzumaki, if you want to be accurate."

Tsunade's expression didn't change outwardly, but her eyes lit up a tiniest bit.

"Of the Uzumaki clan?" she asked.

"No relation," said Karin sarcastically, pointing to her hair. "Yeah, I'm Uzumaki as in _the_ Uzumaki. This Naruto guy is, too, right?"

"On his mother's side," Tsunade said. "But his father came from a civilian family."

"You know who my mom is?" Naruto exclaimed, staring at Tsunade in disbelief.

Tsunade gave him a blank look, in return.

"Don't _you?_ " she said. "I mean it's hardly common knowledge, but haven't you ever asked anyone who your parents were?"

"N-Not really," Naruto said. "Not since I was really, really little, and I don't remember ever getting a clear answer. But it's kind of an embarrassing thing to ask, isn't it? For me, y'know. It's like..."

He gestured vaguely.

Tsunade shrugged.

"Well, for the record:" she said, "Naruto's mother was a Leaf ninja and refugee from Uzushiogakure. She was a member of the Uzumaki clan's main branch, and a near cousin of my own grandmother."

"Wait! You mean we're _related_ , Granny?!" Naruto gaped.

"Geez," said Karin, giving Naruto a dismayed look. "Even _I_ know that. Mito Uzumaki was one of our clan's most famous kunoichi. She used her sealing jutsu to help her husband—your first hokage—contain the Nine-Tails after Madara Uchiha tried to use it to destroy Konoha. I mean, maybe I know a little more about that stuff than most people because I'm an Uzumaki, but this is your own village's history. It isn't even something obscure or boring. You've got those giant ass statues in the Valley of the End where Madara and Hashirama-sama had their final battle. It's one of the most dramatic and formational parts of Konoha's history, right? How do you not know about it?"

She blushed a little, then, realizing that she had let herself get caught up in a rant. Vaguely concerned, perhaps, that Naruto would decide not to arrange a marriage for her with Sasuke if he decided that he didn't like her, she quickly and flatteringly added:

"Of course, I'm sure an honorable and forward-looking man like yourself simply feels no reason to bother with matters of ancient history when there's so much he can do in the here-and-now. Isn't that right, Naruto-sama?"

A beat.

"Nah, I was just really bad at school," Naruto said bluntly. "But _wow_. I'm related to the First Hokage, huh? That's crazy. I guess it's a small world after all."

"The world is big," said Sasuke. "But those with any meaningful power are few and closely tied. I'm a direct descendant of Madara, myself. Not that I consider this something to be proud of, given the things he did in his later life... but he still led the Uchiha in helping to found Konoha, and that isn't nothing."

He said this with emphasis on the aspects that would please patriotic sensibilities, prudently following the tone set by Tsunade.

"But didn't Karin-san ask Lady Tsunade a question?" drawled Kakashi, who had been busying himself with a third read of _Icha Icha Tactics_. "I think we've gotten a little off track."

"Fair enough," said Tsunade. She looked at Karin. "What were you asking about, again?"

"If you'll let Sasuke marry me and his teammate, Sakura."

"If I'll let him?" Tsunade said. She frowned. "I'd say this sounds a bit foolish, and that I think you're too young to make this kind of decision, but that as you are all of a legally marriageable age, I could hardly prevent it. Nor would it be my place to do so."

"No," Karin said, frowning. "I mean... can he marry both of us at the same time? I heard some say that kind of thing is illegal in Konoha, and I've heard others say that it's legal, and others still who say that it's legal _on paper_ but that nobody with authority would actually go with it."

"Oh," said Tsunade, making a face. "Do you mean my grandfather's ridiculous pet legislation? I remember my mother badmouthing it all the time, when I was young. Grandpa was a hopeless romantic, and honestly just a hopeless person in general, outside of being a ninja. I remember he used to insist that his polygamy clause was purely for the best interest of lovers everywhere. It's so convoluted that I can _almost_ believe this."

"Convoluted?" said Naruto.

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "It is pretty complicated, if I remember right. But I think it's essential to restoring the Uchiha clan. And let's be realistic: even if the average Uchiha was only a little better than other ninja, and even if most Uchiha didn't even take missions outside of the village once they reached adulthood, the sharingan is still a crucial asset for the village, and that bloodline can hardly be allowed to die out. But if I'm only able to take one wife, then there will be a significant limit to how quickly the clan can repopulate."

"Not _that_ significant," said Tsunade. "Supposing you marry young, like you clearly intend, and that you start having kids as soon as possible, then even if you leave a couple years between giving birth and getting pregnant again, you could potentially have as many as eight kids by the time you're forty. But Sakura has my medical jutsu, and Karin is an Uzumaki. With these qualities in their favor, just one of them could potentially give birth to as many as twenty children over the course of their lifetimes. And that's only if we consider the purely pragmatic necessities of replenishing the Uchiha, anyways."

"But that's the primary consideration behind my desire to invoke the polygamy clause," said Sasuke, perhaps a bit coldly honest. Neither Karin or Sakura took this poorly, though. "And even using your most liberal estimates—which I think are well past the realm of credibility—assuming none of those children miscarry or die before they can have kids of their own, it would take two or three generations to return the Uchiha to their pre-massacre numbers. But I think we should be realistic. I don't think it's sound for Konoha to trust the restoration of such an important military asset to chance. It's best to hedge our bets, isn't it?"

"You've become a regular patriot," said Tsunade dryly. "But you aren't really that concerned about restoring the Uchiha for Konoha's sake, are you?"

"I faithfully carried out my mission, did I not?" replied Sasuke airily.

Tsunade laughed grimly, and the others watched in no small fascination as these two continued to fence with their wits and words.

"You're a cheeky little devil," she said. "I can see why some of my cousins were so hard against the Uchiha... but I don't personally have any problem with your clan. If you want to restore it that badly, and if you're willing to deal with the legal gymnastics, then I won't stop you kids from getting married. But I _will_ give you a warning."

Tsunade leaned in close to Sasuke, and she looked sternly at his chin. Despite all pretense of confidence, she was a Senju by blood and upbringing, and she almost instinctively refused to meet an Uchiha's eyes. Someone who knew nothing of doujutsu might think this was a matter of denying them respect. But, really, it was simple self-preservation. Still, it probably hadn't helped the Uchiha feel welcome whenever people would actively avoid looking them in the eye. There were complicated feelings there, and more than just unthinking prejudice or stubborn pride.

But after a moment, and somewhat against her better judgement, Tsunade then raised her gaze and met Sasuke's eyes. Partly this was a gesture of defiance, an assertion of her pride and confidence, as Hokage, that Sasuke either couldn't or wouldn't snare her with a genjutsu. It was also a show of trust, a genuine risk taken to demonstrate that she was willing to treat him like a human being on his own account, regardless of his heritage and his powers.

Few of the people in this room knew enough of that unhappy history to appreciate the deep and intricate layers of meaning behind this. Perhaps only Tsunade was consciously aware of it. But Sasuke seemed to respond, seemed to register something significant behind her now direct and unflinching gaze, peering straight into his eyes.

"Sakura is my precious student," Tsunade said. "And Karin is a relative. If you mistreat, neglect, or abuse either one of them, I will use all of my powers as Hokage to make you wish you had decided to self-castrate and give up on restoring your clan."

The direct eye contact, combined with the cold steel of her words, struck a note inside of Sasuke. Not a happy or pleasant note.

Despite himself, he felt genuinely afraid for a moment.

Even if Sasuke were to assume that he could probably take Tsunade in a fight, maybe, since he had technically beaten Orochimaru, Deidara, and Itachi (and that would be a stretch, if he were to be honest with himself, since Orochimaru had been crippled before the fight, Deidara had blown himself up, and Itachi had kind of just dropped dead) he couldn't help but feel impressed and a little cowed by the Fifth Hokage's icy, unflinching stare.

"Uh... of course," he said, gulping. "I'll keep that in mind."

Tsunade smiled.

"Then we shouldn't have any problems," she said.

Sasuke felt determined to keep it that way.

* * *

Itachi's body was cremated, per standard procedure. Sasuke claimed the right to personally remove his brother's eyes, though, and dispose of them as-and-if he saw fit, as the de facto head of the Uchiha clan. He didn't plan on disposing of Itachi's eyes. Neither did he plan on implanting them. He just wanted to keep his options open.

His first day back in Konoha was a little hectic. He saw lots of people, and not all of them were welcoming. Despite Tsunade putting it on record that his actions had been part of an official mission, there were many among older generations whose prejudices against Uchiha had been stirred by Sasuke's defection (whether real or seeming), and others who were shrewd enough to read between the lines, and still others who had personally suffered or been hurt because of his actions.

Ino slapped him and said that she never wanted to see him again.

She made it two steps before turning right around and asking, in direct opposition to her previous statement, if he would make her one of his wives. Sasuke, his cheek still stinging, had told her he'd think about it—with no intention of actually doing so. She was pretty enough, and he supposed that if he was willing to marry Sakura, he should be just as willing to marry Ino.

But it wasn't that simple, of course. She was the heiress of her own clan, unlike Sakura who was the daughter of ordinary ninja, and Karin who came from a branch family. It would be a lot more troublesome to marry her than it would be to marry Karin or Sakura. Her family would probably want their children to be counted as Yamanaka, and considering that Sasuke was only one man, the Yamanaka clan's wishes would likely prevail. And he didn't exactly like the idea of the sharingan entering into the bloodline of another family, whatever rhetoric he gave about this being for the greater good of Konoha.

Also, he just wasn't really into blondes, and her personality rubbed him the wrong way. Karin and Sakura were a little less... _full of themselves_ , he might say. Not that Ino was a bad person, or that Sakura and Karin were better than her. Sasuke just didn't want to be the man responsible for taking care of her as a spouse.

But this aside, Sasuke's first day back in Konoha was pretty busy. He had a lot of paperwork to sign, and a lot of calls to make, and a lot of people to apologize to for inconveniencing.

He wasn't sure whether or not it helped that so many people were following him.

Team Taka, he could understand. Karin was waiting breathlessly for Sasuke and Naruto to formalize the engagement, and before the two of them could do _that_ they needed to assert themselves as the acting heads of their clans in the eyes of Konoha, which meant a lot of paperwork and promises and favors. Suigetsu was kind of stuck in the village for the time being, the Executioner's Blade having been temporarily confiscated. And Juugo was like a big puppy just following his master wherever he went.

Team Seven, old and new, Sasuke could also understand. Sakura was working with him to plan their wedding (her parents having been suspiciously quick to consent to the marriage), and Naruto was alongside him figuring out how to make himself the legally recognized head of the Uzumaki clan so that he could arrange Karin's marriage. Kakashi said that he felt nostalgic, seeing his group back together. Sai and Yamato bluntly informed Sasuke that they intended to execute him if he tried anything "funny".

Team Eight was pushing it. Maybe Hinata had an obvious crush on Naruto and secretly hoped, in this atmosphere of arranged marriage and wedding preparations and talk about clan obligations, that she might in some nebulous way manage to segue into a confession of love to or from Naruto, and a quick and blissful wedding inspired by the blonde's naturally competitive attitude. And Kiba and Shino _had_ been there when he decided to come back to Konoha, but did they really still have to follow him around?

Maybe they worried Sasuke would try to marry Hinata if they weren't watching. As if he _would_. All the problems that would arise with Ino would be present with _thrice_ the weight and complication if he thought to try and wed Hinata.

She was even less worth it in his eyes, however attractive she might be.

What really pushed Sasuke's patience, though, was Anko Mitarashi. He was sure the only reason he remembered her name was because of the impression she'd left on him when he first saw her.

That outfit of hers, was...

...memorable, to say the least.

Sasuke was driven and single minded, but this wasn't the same thing as having no sex drive. That his thoughts now turned sharply to the realms of sex, marriage, and reproduction didn't help. Nor did it help that Anko seemed so very... _eager_ to get him alone.

He could only imagine a few possible reasons for this.

Most of them inappropriate.

* * *

A/N: I am a sap, and I don't dislike any of Naruto's explicitly canon pairings. So girls like Ino, Temari, or Karui are unlikely to find their ways into a harem unless there's a good or funny reason. Temari is one I could see, maybe, getting married off because Gaara wants to suck Naruto's dick—if I wanted to go especially silly, I could set it up like that. At the same time, I think ShikaTema is one of the best side character ships in the series.

Of course, this IS a parody, so anything goes as long as it can work into the overall joke. And doing that _could_ potentially feed into the more meta humor. You know what? That's actually a pretty good idea the more I think about it, haha. Who knows.

 **Updated:** 3-20-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


	3. Anko Indebted

**To Restore a Clan**

A _Naruto_ crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

* * *

Under normal circumstances, at least in the eyes of the law of Konoha, human beings were rightly and naturally monogamous. Most of Konoha's laws that related to matters of marriage or married persons assumed that one person would have one spouse at a time, and no more. Taxes, family registers, protocol for the settlement of domestic disputes—these all assumed a couple to be _a couple_ : two people tied together in love and oath to start a family of their own.

There was one real exception to this. An exception the First Hokage had stubbornly pushed through in spite of all protests from his peers. The _polygamy clause_ , as it was called by most who knew of it, was a section in Konoha law that outlined possible ways and reasons for which a person might be recognized as having more than one spouse at a time, and also the protocol for determining the rights of and to a child born out of wedlock involving members of one or more ninja clans.

For the most part, the polygamy clause was not observed. This is not to say that it wasn't a legitimate piece of legislation, but it was almost never invoked, even in such situations where it _could_ actually be applied. You could maybe count on one hand the number of men and women who had successfully invoked the polygamy clause, and there weren't many more cases where it had been applied as something relevant to legal proceedings.

But it _was_ law.

Sasuke first came across mention of the polygamy clause in an old family document, where one Kagami Uchiha had tried to invoke the law to let him marry two different women. It hadn't worked, but according to the records this had been solely because neither of the two women had been willing to consent to such a shared marriage, although both had initially desired to wed Kagami.

This stuck in young Sasuke's mind. It had been a point at which he'd seriously thought about how he might restore his clan, and this mention of the polygamy clause had presented a seemingly hopeful way to quicken the repopulation of the Uchiha. So he had, for a time, studied that law closely in hopes of one day using it. After a while, though, he'd given up on this, focusing more of his time and energy into training, concluding that to distract himself with hopeful fantasies would only blunt the edge of his avenging blade.

But now that Itachi was dead, his vengeance achieved, Sasuke focused once more on the nitty-gritty mechanics. Tsunade's estimates, saying Sakura or Karin could maybe manage to give birth to as many as twenty children, given their natural grit and respective abilities, seemed hopelessly optimistic to Sasuke. It was mathematically possible but humanly unlikely. It also didn't feel quite fair, in his opinion, to expect a wife to give _that_ much of herself for any reason.

So he had turned his thoughts back to the case of Kagami Uchiha and those two offended women. Really, he was fortunate that Karin and Sakura had both agreed. It helped, perhaps, that one was rather grimly realistic underneath all her lustful act, and that the other was determined and idealistic and _frighteningly_ in love. But Karin and Sakura had both consented. Now, it was mostly a matter of hammering out the circumstances so they would fall under the umbrella of the polygamy clause.

This clause defined several different kinds of marriage. Marriage of love. Arranged marriage. Political marriage. Marriage of convenience. It also specified different kinds of spouse: chosen spouse, appointed spouse, contractual spouse. As well, it recognized consorts, war-wives, concubines, paramours. Some of these were only barely distinguished from each other, in reality, but under the polygamy clause each circumstance was considered its own "marriage", and furthermore it was deemed that a single person could be involved in multiple different kinds of "marriage" at once.

It was frightfully convoluted. Even most people who really wanted to have multiple spouses—people who wanted to build harems or reverse harems—were typically turned back from their goal by the sheer impenetrable legalism. Each different arrangement had to meet certain specific qualifications to be recognized under the law. Some were more liberal and easy to fulfill: the "non-spouse" category was simplest, but a person also had less ties with a "non-spouse".

Paramours were the least complicated and could come and go without trouble. The only qualification was that any proper spouses must not object to the paramours, if they were aware of them. In ascending order from there, going from those with least to most obligation, out of the "non-spouse" category, were: consorts, war-wives, and concubines. War-wives were effectively "spouses", except that one under the PC was not limited to only one of them at a time. Concubines were closer to servants than to wives, and children born from such couplings were considered illegitimate for most legal purposes. Consorts were effectively just "official" paramours.

These did not all correspond to the real, practical definitions, which made things even more confusing. Honestly, if Sasuke were to view things realistically, it was wildly unlikely that he would even come close to utilizing the full potential of the polygamy clause. Apart from Karin and Sakura maybe he would find one or two other women. But unless he wanted to share with others—which was entirely possible, provided all involved parties abided by the technicalities of the PC—it was highly unlikely he would gain a meaningful number of wives without depriving the girls and the other men who might desire them.

Sasuke had considered the possibility of sharing with Naruto. He didn't really know why he felt so open to this idea. Even if they were former teammates and presently friendly rivals, he had a feeling like his fondness for the blonde was a bit too close to be appropriate for non-relatives. But it didn't _feel_ like an inappropriate fondness, or the same sort of fondness he had for, say, Karin or Sakura. There was no element of sexual attraction there.

...Well, no _significant_ element of sexual attraction. There was perhaps a tiny, secret amount of that. But this didn't seem productive to restoring his clan, so he disregarded it.

Still, he was aware that it would also be beneficial for Naruto to think about restoring his own clan. There were other Uzumaki out there, maybe, but the clan proper had practically died out. But in Konoha, with the polygamy clause, there was a chance for Naruto to potentially revive the Uzumaki. Sasuke supposed, or proposed to himself as justification, that he wanted to help Naruto with this because he felt guilty about putting the guy through so much.

He remembered the words he'd spat at Naruto during their fight at the Valley of the End. There was very little about that event that he didn't now regret, and he wanted to make up for it, perhaps. So even as the first day of his return to Konoha wound down and the others departed with varying reluctance, leaving only one or two loiterers behind, Sasuke turned to Naruto and asked him:

"What are you going to do about your own clan?"

Naruto blinked and looked at Sasuke.

"Huh?"

"The Uzumaki. I plan to restore the Uchiha... don't you want to restore your own clan?"

"Oh. I dunno. Never really thought about it, y'know? I didn't even know I _had_ a clan until today."

"Yeah, I guess," Sasuke said.

He looked at Karin, who had fallen asleep with her head atop a desk. The Uchiha compound was dusty and largely derelict, but there were a few buildings still in good enough shape to use. She was smiling dreamily, her cheeks ruddy, a bit of drool seeping onto the cover of a copy of _Icha Icha Paradise_ that Kakashi had loaned her.

Naruto followed Sasuke's stare, and he found himself smiling.

"She seems nice," he said, speaking of Karin. "Do you like her?"

Sasuke frowned at this question.

"She likes me," he said, shrugging. "A lot. And she'll be useful in helping restore the Uchiha, if everything I've heard about Uzumaki vitality is to be taken at face value."

Anko shifted in her seat across from them, watching Naruto and Sasuke with a vaguely expectant look. She sat next to Karin, having taken Sakura's place when the girl left for home. She'd followed the group around for most of the day, now, and she'd given friendly enough greetings. But she hadn't yet explained her reasons for following them, and her eyes were frequently glued to Sasuke.

Naruto gave his friend a skeptical look.

"You're not good at talking about feelings, are you?" he said. "I don't think you just want her because she's convenient."

"You only say that because you don't know her," Sasuke deadpanned. After a moment, though, he cracked a small grin. "I don't dislike her, but my marriage with her is going to be a purely political one, Naruto. Sakura's the one I'll be marrying for love."

"Guh, that seems confusing," Naruto said, scratching his head. "Why can't you just love both of them?"

"Nobody says _that_." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "But the reason for the marriage needs to be very specific. I could make it as though we're marrying solely so she can gain citizenship, admittedly—but if you're going to be claiming her as a clanmember under your authority, then she becomes at least a partial citizen by default."

Naruto stared uncomprehendingly. "Yeah, okay," he said after a moment. "I'll take your word for it."

He then looked down at the forms he'd spent the past few hours working through. At first he had needed frequent help from the others, but by this point he'd long since figured it all out, and he was making a decent pace. Actually he was looking at the very last paper he needed to sign, now. That was a great relief.

In hiragana he carefully scribed _u-su-ma-ki_. In katakana he scratched out _na-ru-to_.

Naruto assessed his signature for a moment. He then realized that, in his delight at nearly being done, he had almost forgotten the dakuten on _su_. It took only a second to correct this, and then his name read _Naruto Uzumaki_ as it should.

Finally done, Naruto gathered up his papers and let out a triumphant yawn.

"Well, I'm finished for the night," he said. "Remind me to drop these off tomorrow, won't you? I'm going home."

Sasuke watched Naruto slip past Juugo's slumbering form and step over a drowzing Suigetsu. He hummed, feeling Anko's eyes leave him to briefly follow the blonde's departure.

"I'm not your secretary," Sasuke said to Naruto's back. "Remember it yourself."

"Sure, sure." Naruto waved. "See ya, Sasuke. Don't try to leave the village again while I'm gone."

It was lightly said, merely a jest. Still, Sasuke felt a twinge of fleeting guilt at the comment.

"I won't," he said quietly.

Naruto had already exited.

There was a moment of silence during which Sasuke looked over his papers. He still had several more forms to do, although he'd been going at a faster and steadier pace than Naruto. Apart from establishing himself as clan head, he also had to petition to rezone the Uchiha district, much of which had fallen into critical disrepair. Furthermore there were special marriage licenses to obtain and formal requests for the consideration of his status under the polygamy clause.

This was a process similar to applying for exemption from taxes, and it was not easy or simple at any stage. Tsunade had said he would be granted this consideration, but Sasuke still needed to fill out the correct paperwork to make everything nice and legal. That paperwork was both complicated and extensive.

He sighed, feeling the quiet of night bear down on him. His eyelids were heavy, and it was nearing the point where he found it difficult to concentrate. He wouldn't be getting much more done tonight.

As if to prove this point, Sasuke found his mind wandering from the papers, and his eyes rose to look at Anko. He was bemused by the woman's presence, and he really didn't know how he should take her seeming interest in his activities.

Anko looked at him from across the table with an almost rudely intent stare. Her expression was hard to read.

Sasuke had trouble concentrating on her face. His eyes dropped to her body, and to her clothes. He couldn't help it. He barely knew this woman, and it had taken him a good bit of time to recall her name, and he remembered next to nothing about her. The biggest impressions she'd left on him had been her sudden and explosive introduction at the end of the first phase of the Chuunin Exams, and her speech to them outside the Forest of Death.

He remembered the woman cutting Naruto's cheek with a thrown kunai before body-flickering behind him to lick up the blood. That act gave him an idea of her true character, perhaps: a bit of a sadist, enjoying to cause others pain. Combined with a criminally revealing manner of dress and a rather nice body, Sasuke felt naturally inclined to suppose that this woman was some kind of pervert or sex maniac.

He watched the heave of her breasts, clad in fishnet and nothing else. Her trenchcoat was halfway off her shoulders, and that was the only thing covering her—well, needless to say, Sasuke was seeing almost as much of Anko's chest as he would of someone who was literally topless. The intensity of her stare, the way she leaned over the table to look at him: these also gave him an idea of what she might want.

By now, of course, there was no way she could misunderstand what he was doing.

He planned to assemble a harem. To gain several wives and mistresses to bear his children and help him sire the next generation of Uchiha. Karin and Sakura were merely the first steps. By all accounts it was a rather cynical and objectifying plan, but so far none of the girls he'd approached or considered had irrefutably objected to it. Perhaps something like this was interesting to a kinky nymphomaniac like Anko. Maybe she wanted to test his mettle, to see if he deserved to have her as a love slave.

Or perhaps it was only hopeful fantasizing on his part. Either way, he could not ignore the woman's beauty or manner of dress, nor what he could remember of her past actions and bearing.

With some considerable effort he managed to raise his eyes from her chest.

She didn't shy from meeting his glance. It felt almost like she was daring him to ensnare her.

But such a method as sharingan hypnosis, used on a fellow citizen and ninja of Konoha, was of course illegal, no less than date rape, and more than sufficient to disqualify him from eligibility for the polygamy clause, and to get him locked up for many years. Such would only be valid if used on an enemy combatant, and even then it would be deemed cruel and unusual.

Anyways, whatever fleeting fancy might strike him, Sasuke had the sense and willpower not to succumb to every mad temptation—at least if he was emotionally stable. And he was. At least for now.

So he simply looked into Anko's eyes, not once seriously considering the idea of activating his sharingan and using it on her. He dared an uncertain smile as she continued to look at him. She hadn't said much so far, apart from greetings.

But finally she spoke, breaking the silence, and she addressed him with a direct and earnest question.

"You killed Orochimaru, right?"

Sasuke was mildly taken aback by her tone. He had expected something more sultry, more sensual, more aggressively seductive. There was almost none of that in her voice. She spoke plainly and honestly, almost with a Naruto-ish air. There was a similar rashness, a similarly sincere spirit.

He shrugged, vaguely sheepish.

"I didn't do much," he said evasively. In truth he hadn't actually _killed_ Orochimaru so much as turned around the man's jutsu and absorbed him, before Orochimaru eventually tried to take him over again and then got sealed away and/or incinerated by Itachi. He had _defeated_ Orochimaru, at least, but even then there were extenuating factors to consider.

"But he's gone, right?" Anko pressed him. Her eyes were bright. "Because of you?"

"Because of me, yes," Sasuke said. It was hard not to consider that statement correct. "I was able to counter his jutsu and overpower him."

"You used to have a curse mark," Anko continued. "But it doesn't seem like you do anymore. What happened to that?"

This question made Sasuke a little uncomfortable.

"How do you know that?" he asked. "It's not like I'm showing my back off to everyone."

"I can sense the chakra," Anko said. "I... know the feel of it. Let's just say I have a curse mark, myself." She cocked her head. "Your friend has chakra that's really similar to this, by the way."

She looked at Juugo, giving his sleeping form an uncertain look.

"I think he's the source of the curse seal," Sasuke said.

"He can't be," Anko said, frowning. "I got mine when I was just a genin, and he doesn't look that old."

Sasuke paused and considered this.

"Huh, maybe you're right," he said. "I think Juugo is around the same age as me. But on the other hand, how do I know you're all that much older?"

"Nice try flattering me, Sasuke," Anko said. "But I'm in my late twenties. I got my curse seal before he could've even been born."

She shifted her posture, causing her trenchcoat to fall the rest of the way. She ignored it.

Sasuke did not. He stared, unable to help himself. If he looked closely, he could make out the rise and the darker coloration of her—well, he saw a LOT of her chest, and the rest of her body, too. Only a barely functional skirt gave her manner of dress any lingering semblance of modesty.

Anko couldn't miss Sasuke's stare, not with the piercing red of a kindled sharingan boring through her fishnet top. She looked down at herself. She saw a pricking at her chest, and the absence of her trenchcoat.

Her cheeks turned pink.

"Wh-Where do you think you're looking?!" she asked him, crossing her arms to cover her chest. "You can see through it with those eyes, can't you? Please stop. It's _creepy_."

Sasuke blinked, unconsciously deactivating his doujutsu.

"Why are you so embarrassed?" he asked her.

"Because you're staring at my chest like you're about to do something criminal," Anko replied. "Of course I'll get embarrassed with someone leering at me like some kind of pervert."

"You are a pervert, though," Sasuke said. "That's a bit hypocritical of you."

"Who says I'm a pervert?" Anko exclaimed. She glared, offended.

Karin stirred beside her, but did not rise.

"Eh?" Sasuke frowned. He had a strange feeling that something had just gone against his better interest. "Well... I mean, just _look_ at you. What else could you be?"

Anko blushed and cast her eyes down.

"This is about my clothes, isn't it?" she muttered. "Everyone thinks that just because I dress up like this, I must be some kind of exhibitionistic slut."

"Ah. N-No..." Sasuke sheepishly lied. "I woudn't say _that_. It's just a little... provocative, is all."

"By which you mean, obviously, that I must be _asking for it_ with these clothes."

Sasuke felt like he was walking through a minefield. He didn't step too lightly.

"Kind of?" he said. "I mean, they're VERY revealing."

"So you think I'm a pervert," Anko muttered, glowering. "Or that I'm... _promiscuous_."

"Yeah, basically," Sasuke said. "Aren't you?"

"I am NOT!" Anko hotly retorted.

Sasuke frowned.

"Why have you been following me around all day, then? And why have you waited this long to address me? If it wasn't something private or indecent, you could have asked me anytime."

"...You're not very socially adept, are you?"

"I suppose not," Sasuke said. "But what did you want, then?"

Anko shifted in her seat, face reddening a little more. Her expression seemed to soften, though, and most of her annoyance passed into thoughtfulness.

"Your curse mark is gone," she said. "How did you get rid of it?"

"Uh." Sasuke briefly wondered if he should answer honestly. "Orochimaru tried to take over my body while I was fighting Itachi, and Itachi used a mangekyo sharingan jutsu to seal him away, and somehow that caused my curse mark to disappear, I guess? I don't know."

"Oh," Anko said. "So you didn't do it."

"I didn't," Sasuke confirmed. "Is that a problem?"

"Kind of," Anko said. She fidgeted. "I'd been hoping you could, er, remove my curse mark. But if you can't..."

"Wait. What would be in it for me if I removed it?" Sasuke asked.

"Eh? Helping a fellow Leaf village comrade, of course. What other reason could you need?" Anko said this earnestly, and she gave him a confused look, as though she genuinely couldn't comprehend the idea of cynical self-interest before unconditional camaraderie.

Sasuke stared at her. All was silent, to the point where his stare itself seemed audible.

Anko colored.

"Well... obviously I'd be in your debt," she added. "I'd do whatever I could to repay you. But if you can't remove the mark—"

"I never said I _can't_ ," Sasuke interjected. "I have Itachi's eyes in my possession, and I know a bit about sealing. I can figure something out, maybe."

"Oh, well..." Anko couldn't help a hopeful expression forming at this. "If you're able to, then I'd be really grateful. I would do _anything_ to be rid of this curse mark."

Her eyes showed that this statement was quite sincere.

Sasuke cocked his head.

"This is a convenient circumstance," he said. "Marriage to repay a life debt... would fall into just the right category."

"M-Marriage?" Anko said. She gulped and looked at Karin's sleeping form. "Like you plan with your little friends, you mean?"

"Yeah, just like that," Sasuke said. "Is this a problem?"

"Not if you can do it," Anko said. "Remove my curse mark, that is."

Sasuke pulled out a small, black bordered scroll and flexed the fingers of one hand.

"I'll give it my best shot."

Anko swallowed, and she attempted a fearless smile.

* * *

"...So that's why Anko will be marrying me, too," Sasuke said to Karin and Sakura. Bandages were over his eyes, and he held the older woman's hand, following her lead.

"I don't think my heart can take this," Sakura said. "Another one, already? I'm still getting used to the idea of sharing _at all_."

"She's hot, though," remarked Karin, surveying Anko's form. "You can't dispute that."

"I think that's, uh... part of why she's conflicted," Anko said, sweatdropping.

"Really?" said Karin. "Weird."

Sakura twitched.

" _You're_ the weird ones, taking this so well."

"Ho? Who said I was taking this well?" Anko said. "The way I see it, I've only really traded one bondage for another. I'm no more free now than I was when I had the curse mark."

"But you agreed to it."

"Well, of course," Anko said. "Having a younger man's babies seems better than living with a piece of Orochimaru's chakra tattooed into my neck."

"Seems," parroted Karin. "Do you think it _is_ better, though?"

"That's hard. It's... different," Anko said, shrugging. "I haven't decided if it's actually better yet. It hasn't been long enough to conclude for sure."

"But what's your first impression?"

Anko thought for a moment.

"He doesn't seem too aggressive," she said. "Sexually, I mean. That could be a positive."

"I don't consider it one," said Karin.

"Me neither," said Sakura.

Anko shrugged again.

"Well, I'm sure you girls are genuinely attracted to him. But for me, it's just an obligation. I don't need to _want_ him, personally. I'll pay my debt. Maybe he'll get sexier as he grows up."

"Gee, you're doing wonders for my confidence," Sasuke drawled, turning his head sightlessly as he listened to their conversation. "I can't wait until we're married for real and you girls really start browbeating me."

Sakura, Karin, and Anko blushed. It was hard to say whether this was in pleasure, embarrassment, or offense. It might have been a different one for each of them.

Or it might have all been the same.

* * *

A/N: SasuAnko is one of those weird crack pairings that I could see myself enjoying for its own sake. And it's not like these two characters have no link by which they might form an actual bond, either. But in this chapter, there are two things I like: 1.) finally establishing something of the more specific premises behind the "polygamy clause", if also leaving it vague enough for potential future liberties taken, and 2.) toying with the fandom cliche of Anko as a hardcore nymphomaniac by contrasting that image with what there can actually be seen of her character in canon, as a fairly earnest and playful kind of person with a strong sense of duty and loyalty and no real apparent inclination toward perversion. In this case Sasuke potentially works very well, as a stand-in for the audience.

But all stroking of my own ego with overgenerous estimations of my cleverness aside, I hope you lot enjoy this chap.

 **Updated:** 3-24-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


	4. Naruto's Choices

**To Restore a Clan**

A _Naruto_ crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

* * *

"Well, Naruto," Sasuke said. "Have you decided?"

"Decided what?"

Naruto turned to look at his rival. Sasuke's eyes were bandaged up, and he was sitting on a stump in the training grounds. They had come here early at Sasuke's request. Naruto wasn't entirely sure what for, but he had come.

"About restoring your clan," Sasuke said. "About making a harem. I asked last night, and you were undecided. Have you considered it any further today?"

Naruto shrugged, blushing a little.

"Well, I dunno," he said. "It's an idea, isn't it? And I'm interested. I won't lie. But... it's like, who _could_ I marry, you know? It's not as though girls are lining up to get a piece of me."

He let out a self-deprecating chuckle.

"Really?" said Sasuke. "But I understand Hiashi-san has already contacted you about a political marriage."

"Eh?" Naruto blinked. "Yeah, he did. How did _you_ know, though? It only happened just this morning, and I haven't told anyone yet."

"I keep my ears to the ground," Sasuke lied.

Actually, he knew about this because he had personally arranged for it, at least in a roundabout way. Hinata had asked him to help her set up just such a thing, apparently finding it easier to talk to him about this since he was so seemingly aloof. The girl had gotten it into her head that an arranged marriage was the best possible way for her to wind up with the man she loved, and she was determined to see this set up.

The means used to convince Hiashi to go through with it had been mostly innocent. Bribery, blackmail, threats: bog standard stuff, for shinobi. The man, it seemed, had folded very quickly. Clearly he wasn't too averse to the idea. Maybe he thought marrying his elder daughter off would simplify the conundrum of succession, or maybe he just had a warped sense of priorities—or maybe he was aware of his daughter's hopeless infatuation with the blonde.

Last seemed most likely.

"Well, okay," Naruto said. "Yeah, I was offered that. But I dunno about taking it up. Doesn't really seem fair to Hinata, does it?"

" _Fair to her?_ " If Sasuke wasn't still recovering from an amateur implantation of his brother's eyes, he might have given Naruto an incredulous look. "No, that's stupid. Don't worry about that, Naruto. What does it matter what the woman wants, as long as you get what you need out of her?"

A beat.

Naruto turned and gave his friend a deadpan look.

"...Did you mean to put it that badly, or did this sound better in your head?"

Sasuke colored.

"Well, I suppose my wording was a little insensitive," he conceded. "But it's not like this is a very polite or pleasant matter. I'm not going to dance around the bush with a lot of innuendo and equivocation. I'm going to come right out and make my point. If you want to restore the Uzumaki clan, then you're going to need a harem. A political marriage with Hinata would provide you with an ideal opportunity to start on that."

"Maybe," Naruto said. "I don't know if she'd really be happy with it, though."

Sasuke sighed.

 _Seriously? This was HER idea, you numbskull. How dense can you get?_

But he did not say this. Somehow, he got the feeling that Hinata would be disappointed or abashed if he told Naruto for her. So he decided to shift the subject.

"Well, I don't know about Hinata, but I guess I understand why you think it might be difficult to form a harem. It's true that you aren't very popular in the village," Sasuke said, giving Naruto a meaningful look.

He knew enough, now, to guess why this might be so. _Kyuubi_. The Nine-Tails. But with that said, most people didn't actually seem all that unpleasant towards Naruto, these days. The guy rarely got any really cold or nasty looks. Most people at least gave the blonde the courtesy of scowling, if they they disliked him, rather than ignoring him completely—and even this was only a small portion of the village.

Most people were just courteously distant. Ambivalent, but willing to acknowledge him as a ninja of Konoha. Especially in the ballpark of their own generation, most people were at least cordial with Naruto, even if many were still not very friendly. But he got a lot of respect from those who were close to him, and the members of their graduating class especially seemed to hold him in a somewhat high regard.

In some ways, it probably helped that Naruto had been gone from the village for a couple of years, from what Sasuke had heard, traveling and training with Jiraiya. Absence could make the heart grow fonder, especially when the person in question was a bit of a loudmouth and prankster when they left, only to return as a basically respectable young man. Not that bright, and still a bit too forward and vocal for some people's tastes, but he had a certain maturity now that doubtless contrasted most favorably with his past self.

Sometimes, the biggest difference was made by the pettiest things. Naruto had been gone long enough for most people who were usually around the boy to find themselves vaguely missing his presence, and to begin thinking back with nostalgic fondness on his antics. Something that was unpleasant at the time could often become a dear memory later on, and what had Naruto first been if not a source of general unpleasantness for the village?

There were still, of course, people who pretended not to see Naruto when he passed. There were people who refused to acknowledge his skills and accomplishments. There were those who sneered at him and obviously still thought of him as aught but the Nine-Tails in human form. But these had increasingly become a minority, and they were mostly people who had little personal contact with Naruto, knowing of him only as a rumor that was passed around in their corner of the Leaf.

Most of those who actually knew the guy were typically pretty fond of him, even if they didn't always give him the respect he wanted. Sasuke supposed that this included himself, to some extent. In the wake of his brother's death—after killing Itachi—he'd found himself adrift for a short time. Very short.

When he had first opened his eyes after that fight and seen Naruto standing over him, Sasuke had felt an irrepressible surge of gladness. He'd felt relieved to see Naruto, so plainly and profoundly uplifted by the sight that he marveled at it now, looking back. Seeing Naruto, he had felt like everything was really over, and everything could go back to normal—that everything would be taken care of.

It suggested a deep, theretofore unrecognized confidence in the guy. Sasuke still wasn't entirely sure what to make of this. He had a lot of complicated feelings to come to terms with. But he knew one thing for sure, and this was that he felt a bond with Naruto. He wanted to help Naruto, the way he might want to help someone of near kin: simply because he was in need of the help, and with no expectation or particular desire of reward.

Naruto broke the thoughtful silence with a slow nod. Sasuke could perceive the gesture and interpret it, although with his eyes bandaged (new sharingan still adjusting) he could not presently see it as such.

"Yeah, I'm not as popular as you are with the ladies," he said.

Sasuke cocked his head.

"You're overestimating me, Naruto. Neither of us is especially popular, at present. Most people are still pretty conflicted about me returning to the village. Not all of them believe what Lady Hokage has put on record."

"Don't lie, Sasuke," Naruto said. "Maybe that's true, but it doesn't mean the ladies haven't got the hots for ya. You've already got Karin and Sakura agreeing to marry you."

"What does Karin have to agree with?" Sasuke replied. "Her marriage is arranged by the head of her clan. All she can do is go along with it. And Sakura... she's not exactly _thrilled_ by the prospect. Anko's doing it purely out of obligation, too."

"Anko?" Naruto said. "Not... Anko Mitarashi? The dango lady?"

"Is that how you think of her?" Sasuke said, amused.

"Well, yeah," Naruto said. "Every time I see her she's eating dango. But she's marrying you, too? Is that what she wanted, yesterday?"

"Not exactly," Sasuke said. "But the engagement has emerged from that."

"Okay," Naruto said. "I'll take your word for it. But still, I can't think of many girls I can imagine agreeing."

" _Many_ isn't the same as _any_ ," Sasuke remarked. "Are you saying there is a girl you think would agree?"

"Well... I suppose Shion might," Naruto said. "Or at least, we could make some sort of compromise, you know?"

"Shion?" said Sasuke. He frowned. "I'm not familiar with the name."

"Ah, she's a really important priestess in this one small country," Naruto said. "There was an incident a few months back, and I helped her out during it. Long story short, when everything was said and done, she asked me if I could help her, uh... produce an heiress."

"Seriously?" said Sasuke. "She just... _asked_ you that? No pretense or preamble?"

"Basically. Her blood has special powers, or something," Naruto said. "Like a kekkei genkai. Some kind of special gift that passes from mom to daughter. Don't remember the specifics. I guess she really took a liking to me, though."

Sasuke was silent for a moment.

"Did she leave an impression on you?"

"Well, she was kind of a bitch at the start of the mission," Naruto said bluntly.

"They always are," said Sasuke, shaking his head. "I remember the princess of Snow Country. She was a real looker, but... _man_ , was she unpleasant for most of that assignment."

"I dunno. I liked her," Naruto said, a look of fond reminiscence on his face. "I still have that autographed photo, y'know." He grinned broadly.

"You thinking to ask her?" Sasuke said.

"Eh? Koyuki?" Naruto said. "I hadn't thought of it. She seems a bit far up there, though. Like _she'd_ be the one with the harem, and not the one in someone else's harem."

"Fair enough," Sasuke conceded. "Even if you're a special jounin, now, it's not like you can exactly claim comparable social standing with a daimyou. But, back to this Shion. What else can you tell me about her?"

"I dunno. What else do you wanna know?"

Sasuke shrugged.

"Looks, I guess? And was she still a bitch at the end, and just thought you'd be a nice boytoy for her? Or would you say she had actually fallen in love with you?"

"You're the one who makes it sound like it doesn't matter if they're in love," Naruto retorted. "But I don't know. She seemed like she'd... warmed up to me, I guess? I saved her life a couple times, and I remember her getting really sad at the thought of me dying. I don't know if I'd say she was _in love_ with me. How would I even be able to tell if she was? I mean, she wasn't acting like your fangirls used to."

"If she was, I'd tell you to do yourself a favor and not get involved with her," said Sasuke sagely.

"Like you're one to judge." Naruto snorted. "Sakura-chan was never all that bad in my opinion, but Karin reminds me of the worst of them. Except she's older than they were, and more... _perverted_ , I guess."

"I'm entitled to be a hypocrite," said Sasuke dismissively. "Besides, I don't think either of them is really that... well, okay, _Karin_ is pretty bad. But her blood does a lot to ameliorate her personality, for my purposes."

"Damn, that's cold," Naruto said, giving Sasuke a dry look. "Isn't there anything you like about her? I mean, for real. She IS family. I care about her as much as I can. You never really came out and said it yesterday."

"True," Sasuke said. "I _do_ like her, for what the statement is worth. I suppose it's not as much for her personality, though. That is, not for any virtue she has that draws me to her. Have you ever heard of propinquity?"

"Huh?"

"No, I suppose not. Let's just say I've been around her long and often enough to have become fond of her, simply out of sheer acquaintance. It's a habituated attachment. She isn't unattractive, or completely unpleasant. She does have some sweet moments."

"Really?" Naruto said. "It's sound like you're just saying she's grown on you, though. Like a fungus or something."

"Maybe that's the best way to put it," Sasuke answered, shrugging. "Same as it is with Sakura, honestly. Familiarity doesn't breed contempt—not in any big way. It can make you hate the little, petty things about a person. You might find a hundred different expressions or tones of voice they make that simply drive you insane. But the deeper down you look, the more you'll see yourself growing fond of them. Humans are social animals. They can bond with anyone, given time. At least, that's what I believe. It's the only way I can explain how attached I got to you morons."

Naruto grinned.

"Admit it. You know you love us," he teased.

"Yeah," Sasuke said. "I'm hopeless. No matter how much I've tried not to... I've gotten attached to every last one of these idiots that's tagged along with me. Humans really are pathetic creatures, aren't they?"

"I wouldn't say pathetic," Naruto replied. "I think... somehow, this seems like a really hopeful thing to me. You just have to get to know one another. Spend time together. That's how people form bonds. That's all there is to it."

"Perhaps," said Sasuke. "But about Hiashi-san's offer, and your promise to this Shion girl... I think this is something you can work with. You couldn't ask for a better foundation, in my opinion. It'll just need a little hammering out."

"And you plan to help?"

"Hah. As if you could do it without me."

Naruto shoved Sasuke, a grin on his face.

"Bastard."

* * *

 _The frog in the well,_  
 _Drifting out to sea, beholds_  
 _Endless skies of blue._

* * *

The toad elder Fukasaku looked mournfully up at Tsunade. She matched his sorrowful gaze with one of cracked ice, a ruler's impassive facade chipped and fractured as a little more of its tenuous foundation was hollowed away.

It was grim news. News she ought to have expected someday, perhaps, and logically she must have known this would happen. It always went like this. It always ended in tears.

But she couldn't afford to weep as she wished. She had not the time or the luxury of miserable wailing or quiet emptiness. She could not sit and do nothing, no matter how much she wished to make all the world stop and acknowledge this grievous, immeasurable loss. Things had seemed to be going so well...

But that was always when catastrophe struck. And what was the death of Jiraiya, if not a catastrophic axe-stroke to the very roots of Konoha? He had been among the strongest of the village's unseen pillars, known to many as a great man and a powerful shinobi, but with the true depth and breadth of his contributions understood by just a precious few. Even she had only just begun to grasp it.

She wasn't young anymore, yet she felt far too young for this. It bit her to the core, and she felt a tiny part of her wither away as the news sunk deeper in. She was used to death, to loss. She could not count all the friends and loved ones she had seen die. Too few, already, had remained of those people she had known in the spring days of her life: far too few for a woman her age.

Now even Jiraiya was gone.

It seemed unreal. She could not accept it. Somehow, a part her had expected him to outlive them all. He had never really been changed by his griefs, or at least never truly marred. He had suffered as much bereavement as anyone in their generation, and he had borne losses that Tsunade could only imagine. He had accepted it all, and endured every trial, never losing that essential, foolish grin or that basic, obnoxious laugh or those damned, wonderful, lecherous eyes.

She almost killed him once, herself. A part of her wished he hadn't survived that time, if only so her sorrow and regrets could be in the past already, and not stabbing into her at this very moment. She was as responsible for his death today as she would have been if she hadn't pulled her punch at the last moment, that day so many years in the past. Whether she had done it with her own hands or not, she would have to live with this guilt until she passed on to the next life.

He wasn't the first man to die under her command, but it was the nearest such a death had yet struck her. Selfish or not, she had _known_ him, personally, long and well, and if their acquaintance had for many years diminished or cut off entirely, still she loved him.

As a friend, for the most part.

 _When I get back..._

As a friend, she wanted to tell herself.

 _...wanna make a bet?_

Tsunade bit her lip.

"Do you need a moment?" someone asked her. It might have been a complete stranger, for all Tsunade could tell.

"No..." she said slowly, pulling herself up, although the weight of it seemed greater than whole mountains. She looked at Fukasaku. "I'm fine. But what were you saying about Naruto?"

* * *

The letter had been sent, and the forms signed, and he was in the midst of a meeting with Hiashi and Hinata when Naruto received the news. Sasuke, who waited outside with Karin and Sakura, heard it all.

He heard the dead, grave silence. It hung in the air for a long while.

 _"Shall we discuss this at another time?"_

That was Hiashi, breaking the quiet with all stiff Hyuuga courtesy.

 _"Naruto-kun..."_

That was Hinata. Her words were filled with an echo of Naruto's grief, moved to sorrow by her kind nature and deep love for him, feeling his pain nearly as he felt it himself. Sasuke could envision her reaching out to touch him.

 _"It's okay,"_ Naruto's voice sounded. _"I don't want to waste your time."_

 _"It hasn't been wasted. I understand if you need some time to yourself. It's only natural, after news like that... This is a blow to all the village. Lord Jiraiya was a great man, whatever else might be said of him."_

 _"D...Do you want anything, Naruto-kun?"_

A moment's silence.

 _"To talk. I don't know. It's..."_

 _"Shall we talk, then?"_

 _"...I guess. If that's okay with you."_

 _"It is, Naruto-kun."_

Sasuke turned away, guessing that they would want some privacy. Besides, he had come only to support Karin, who had come only because of a sense of duty to her clan head.

Sakura followed him, but Karin lingered.

"Don't you want to see if he's okay?" she asked.

"I'm the wrong person to talk to him about this," was Sasuke's response. "I feel like there's too much bad blood between us on this subject."

He thought of their fight at the Valley of the End. He remembered thoughtless, selfish words.

Something hot pricked behind his eyes. Something moistened his bandages.

* * *

Nobody saw Naruto and Hinata's farewell. Given their still very recent engagement, and the emotional atmosphere, it had been deemed best to let them have a private talk before Naruto went to see Tsunade. It wasn't a long talk, but when they reappeared Naruto was wearing a thoughtful expression.

Then he spoke a while with the Hokage. He received Jiraiya's last message, and he helped to decode it, getting Kakashi-sensei to read certain passages from _Icha Icha Tactics_ for them. Much to the man's embarrassment.

He had a talk with Shikamaru. Another, briefer talk with Iruka. Both told him essentially the same thing.

His resolve was made firm.

There was determination in Naruto's eyes when he made ready to leave with Fukasaku. Sakura waved goodbye, a sad look on her face. Anko watched quietly.

Karin described this to Sasuke, who bade Naruto a curt _good luck_.

The blonde and the wizened ampihibian accompanying him vanished in a burst of smoke.

* * *

A/N: Now of course, Sasuke is the main character of this fic, the protagonist, while Naruto is the deuteragonist. A lot of the reviewers have expressed greater interest in Naruto's harem than Sasuke's, nonetheless. This chapter shows the first beginnings of that, and the next chapter might show more—but given the point in the series at which this fic is set, it's kind of necessary that there must be a little bit of drama to be gotten out of the way. The next chapter will be lighter, overall.

Despite being the start of Pain's invasion. But it will be partly a transitional chapter, setting certain things up. And the actual invasion I intend to skim over, save for in one or two places where I can do something different and more amusing.

But let's not spoil anything.

(Also, as a bit of trivia, I originally wrote Sasuke and Naruto's talk in the chapter as a lot more, ah... cynically tongue in cheek. I changed it, though, because it felt a bit meanspirited.)

 **Updated:** 3-29-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


	5. Solicitations and Invasions

**To Restore a Clan**

A _Naruto_ crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

* * *

The high priestess of Demon Country paced in the heart of her temple. Pale eyes flickered here and there with a nervous energy. Her bosom rose and fell as she breathed, her cheeks faintly pink, a dreamy and embarrassed smile spreading across her lips.

 _I can't believe it,_ she thought. _Naruto is actually... yes, he needs my help!_

Shion felt a flutter in her belly at this thought. She grinned irrepressibly, and nearly she skipped and twirled in delight.

"Aaah..." she blissfully sighed. "Is some god of happiness looking down on me? I feel so light that I think I could spring on high and cavort across the clouds in heaven. My, but such a bliss I should never have hoped for. To be joined with him... and he wants to restore his clan... ohhh!"

Shion trembled, and she bit her lip, smiling foolishly. She felt a girlish glee at the memory of the letter she'd received, and she savored her recollections of it even as the thing in question rested before her seat.

She was alone in the inner sanctum. Without stood a pair of shinobi who had sworn her their service, along with a quartet of guards native to the land. The ninja were a reliable set, for what it was worth, even if one of them seemed rather significantly stronger than the other. But Shion gave little heed to this, feeling rather more concerned with hopeful dreams of marriage.

 _Dear Shion,_ the letter had begun. _I have something I need your help with. Do you remember that promise I made to you? Well, I want to see it through and I hope I will. But something else has come up. I have a clan. Or I'm part of a clan. But there aren't a lot of people left. Just me and this one other girl, as far as I know. Sasuke (a friend) belongs to another almost extinct clan, and he's using this thing called the polygamy clause in his plans to rebuild it..._

The letter had then gone on to give a brief, somewhat unfocused and rambling explanation of the writer's point. Naruto had been convinced by a friend in a similar predicament that he would need multiple wives in order to repopulate his clan, and she, he said, had been the first person to come to mind. Naruto asked Shion if she wanted to be one of those wives.

His manner of asking, within the letter, seemed perfectly characteristic of him. It felt a little rude, and it wasn't very eloquently phrased, but there was such a simple warmth and sincerity in his words that it brought his face to mind, cheeks flush, eyes shining, hands hopefully clasped, and expression imploring.

 _I need you,_ had been one of the phrases used. He likely did not mean anything very profound by it, but she took the connotation to heart nonetheless.

It was a delightful thing to consider, and it made her wonderfully happy.

She felt intoxicated. It made her head swim. She felt the desire at once to leave for Konoha in a bridal procession. Indeed, she was just about ready to call on her guards and followers to prepare this.

"Sasame! Guren!" she called for the shinobi guards who stood outside the sanctum.

The door opened, and two women came in. One was an adult with dark blue hair, maybe in her twenties. The other was ginger, unfreckled, a girl about Shion's age. Both bowed low, recently converted to the priestess's service.

"Yes, your holiness?" said the younger kunoichi, a member supposedly of the Fuuma clan.

"What is your desire, priestess?" said the elder on bended knee, alert in her obeisance.

Shion smiled.

"I have some wonderful news to share with you girls," she said. "Do you know of a man named Naruto Uzumaki?"

It was a rhetorical question. Shion didn't expect them to know of him. She was simply leading up to her news, wanting to savor the surprise on their faces as an appetizer to the wonder and delight of her acolytes and disciples.

To her own surprise, she saw them blush and look at her in amazement.

"Do _you?_ " they both said at once.

Shion cocked her head.

She smiled as an idea crossed her mind.

"Yes," she said. "It has been (or shortly will be) arranged for us to wed."

The looks on their faces said it all.

 _Well,_ Shion thought as her idea solidified. _What's a wedding without a dowry?_

* * *

In the Land of Demons, a priestess and her servants prepared for a nuptial pilgrimage. In a flooded mountain valley in the Land of Lightning, an oxtopus and a monster shark were locked in deadly combat. On Mount Myoboku, Naruto Uzumaki was training under the elderly toads Fukasaku and Shima to master the basics of senjutsu.

In Sunagakure, the Lord Fifth Kazekage stood before his desk, the room empty of all others save his sister. On that desk lay a confidential message from the Fifth Hokage, a personal request and a political offer rolled into one. A messenger hawk patiently awaited his response.

"Temari," Gaara said after a long and thoughtful silence. "How would you feel about an arranged marriage?"

"Oh? I suppose it depends on the guy," Temari said honestly, looking warily at her brother. She wasn't so young or foolishly romantic as to balk at the idea of what Gaara suggested, but she did have some sense taste and self respect. If he tried marrying her off to some fat old diplomat, then Kazekage or not, she would show him what for.

"Is that a yes or a no?" said Gaara.

"Depends. Was your question merely rhetorical?"

"It was not."

"I see," said Temari. "Who is the guy, then?"

"Well, he's someone we're familiar with," Gaara said. "He's done a great deal for relations between the Leaf and Sand. I personally owe him a good deal, and he is likely to hold a very high position in Konoha when he's older."

Perhaps it was a bias born of wishful thinking that caused Temari to immediately imagine Shikamaru Nara. Not all of Gaara's words could be perfectly applied to the guy, but what his speech evoked for her was nonetheless the image of Shikamaru the griping, lazy, brilliant strategist who had shown her much hospitality in her role as an ambassador, and who was likely to stand at the top of the heap in Konoha, if brains by themselves meant anything in the world of shinobi.

Despite herself, Temari smiled. Her cheeks grew traitorously warm, no doubt showing that the person suggested to her by Gaara's words was not displeasing.

"I see. That guy, huh?" she said.

"Yes, that man," said Gaara. "He's a bit unconventional in his methods, but I think he has a brilliance that will change this world for the better, one day."

These words only strengthened Temari's assumption that it was Shikamaru of whom her brother spoke. She tried to tame her smile and present a more dignified and aloof bearing. She only half-succeeded.

"Well, if this is an important arrangement for the village, then of course I would accept it as a daughter of the Kazekage. It's only natural that I might do at least this much for the village," Temari said, expertly obfuscating her true motivations with patriotic sophistry.

"You are a credit," Gaara said. "To our family, and to the village as a whole. I am certain that Naruto will honor your service."

A beat.

Temari blinked.

"Wait, Naruto?" she said. "What does he have to do with this?"

"He's the one you'll be engaged to, of course," Gaara said, making this seem so obvious that all Temari could do was weakly laugh.

"Oh, o-of course!" she said. "I must've misunderstood what you meant about service. Yes. It would be an honor and a pleasure to marry him, obviously."

Her smile was such that anyone with more social awareness than Gaara would have seen at once that she was embarrassedly bluffing, the words that poured out of her mouth to cover her blunder only digging the hole deeper.

"You don't have a problem with this, then?"

Were Temari not so flustered, and not so proud, she might have at once disowned her earlier words and said that, as a matter of fact, she had a hundred different problems with this. But she was flustered, and she was also _very_ proud—too proud to admit she had mistaken him, and too proud to bear the question that would inevitably come if she did admit her mistake:

 _Then who did you think I meant?_

She absolutely did NOT want to answer that.

"No, not at all," Temari lied. Her voice squeaked a little. Part of her was screaming at the rest of her to turn back and own up before it was too late.

But she did not.

It was a curious thing, human nature. When a person made an honest mistake, the logical thing to do would be to admit it so that this mistake could be amended. But from childhood to old age, the majority of people were as likely as not to NOT do this simple, very logical thing. Human perversity was formidable.

The prouder a person was, the less willing they were to admit error, which would involve a humbling of that pride, and an abasement that would seem abhorrent to the haughty mind. Sooner was a person to persist in their mistake, and insist that they were in the right, or that they knew all along, or that everything was, of course, going exactly as they had planned. They were conditioned to bluff and get out of owning up for as long as they possibly could, even— _especially_ —when there was literally no benefit in persisting.

Temari was very proud, and very stubborn. In one way that obstinacy, if she turned it against her pride, could have made her say that no, she did not want to marry Naruto, and there was someone else she would much prefer, but she wasn't about to say who it was. Yet stubbornness was born from pride, as often as not, and right now her pride cared more for saving face than briefly humbling herself to correct the matter in such a way as would be favorable to herself.

Pride was not an intelligent quality. It did not lend itself to careful, sound reasoning but to rash actions and destructive choices. It was at once the highest and lowest of vices. For pride a man would duel and die. For pride a woman would live unhappily. For pride a child would refuse correction. All to the self's detriment, and all to the pleasure of that ridiculous Conceit.

"Very well, then," Gaara said, taking his sister's words at their face value. Whatever good qualities he might have had, Gaara was not the most critical or incredulous person. "I'll inform the Fifth Hokage that you have agreed to the arrangement. It is the least we can do to repay Naruto Uzumaki for everything he has done."

 _Most of what he did was to your benefit as much as the village's,_ Temari thought but didn't say. _Why don't you marry yourself off to him, if you want to repay him that much?_

But Temari was too proud and dignified to speak so hotly and irreverently to the Kazekage, even if she was his elder sister. Gaara might have caught something of the sourly questioning thoughts behind her gaze, though, because he smiled dryly.

"I would gladly marry him, if I was a woman."

"Is that illegal in Konoha, then?" Temari asked in spite of herself.

"Not that I know of, but the purpose of this seems to be the revival of his clan," Gaara said, a trace of humor in his voice. "A husband would not serve that end very well."

He then inserted his answer into the messenger hawk's scroll pouch, and he sent it on its way.

Temari watched Gaara shoo the bird out the window, and she felt a last pang of regret. But it was now too late to correct things without killing the bird right now, and to do that would probably get her in more trouble than her pride thought it was worth.

She watched it go. Somehow, the situation didn't seem quite real. It was dreamlike. Absurd.

So absurd that she wanted to laugh.

* * *

Shiho of the Cryptanalyisis division felt a sudden and inexplicable feeling of victorious joy. A warmth flooded her cheeks, and she looked sidelong at Shikamaru.

She felt abruptly very bold, although she couldn't begin to explain why.

 _Maybe I'll ask him out, when we're done for the day..._ she thought to herself, feeling hot and giddy.

A hopeful smile spread her lips, and she leaned close to Shikamaru, pressing herself up to him. Her chest was against his arm, mashing slightly, weighing down on his limb. He did not push her away or look particularly annoyed.

"I think we're making good progress," she said. "Don't you?"

"Yeah," said Shikamaru distractedly.

Despite himself, he couldn't help but think in a corner of his mind, _Shiho's breasts actually feel kind of big. Not huge, but they're definitely a pretty decent size._

He was not oblivious, of course, that she had to be doing this intentionally.

But her motive was something he had yet to dissect.

* * *

Elsewhere in Konoha, the female form of Chikushodo Pain landed on a rooftop, even as the village's barrier corps detected a single intrusion.

An instant later, Konan and the other five Pains were summoned behind her.

"Split up," said Tendo, the Deva Path. "Find the kyuubi jinchuuriki."

It was like the thumb telling the fingers what to do. He didn't need to give the directions to his other bodies, obviously. He barely even needed to tell Konan what to do. But putting their task into words felt helpful, in some way.

And really, he _was_ talking more to Konan than to his other bodies.

One party would handle diversion. Another would handle searching.

With one hand would he take. With the other, he would destroy.

It wouldn't be long before they were found out.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha was one man. If you counted his comrades in Taka, that was only three more people. Suigetsu and Juugo were adequate fighters, and could deal with the average shinobi well enough, but they were by no means at the upper realm of ability. Karin was useful mostly as support.

Suigetsu had a relatively rounded set of combat skills, but he wasn't extraordinary. Not much better than the average member of the Rookie Nine. Juugo was stronger than Suigetsu, but also barely trained as a ninja, and most of his qualifications lay in the unique properties of his body and chakra. Karin had a good set of support abilities, and in some ways she could have been the most promising of them, but she had only rudimentary training in shinobi combat.

So it wasn't like Taka could make a huge difference in Konoha's defence. Even moreso since Suigetsu still hadn't gotten the Executioner's Blade back. And while Sasuke was fairly strong himself, it wasn't like he could be everywhere at once.

Logically, therefore, it can be assumed that most of the events and engagements which would have taken place if they were not present would still occur.

 _Most_ of them.

* * *

"You are Sasuke Uchiha."

Sasuke inclined his head. He heard a woman's voice addressing him. She had a deep, authoritative pitch and tone, and she formed her words with slow and careful deliberation. He could almost hear her shaping each syllable.

"So I am," he said. "What's it to you?"

"You killed the traitor, Orochimaru. For that, I should be grateful. But then, I hear you have also killed Deidara and Itachi."

"You're with them, are you?" Sasuke said, using logical deduction to reach this conclusion. "You're one of Akatsuki, then. Funny. I thought that was a boys-only club. No girls allowed."

He felt the temperature drop, and there was the prickling sensation of a glare.

"Do not put me on the same level as the others," Konan said.

"Fine," Sasuke said. "You're just a cheerleader, then?"

He felt a burst of unbridled killing intent, sharp enough to make him genuinely flinch. It had been a while since he'd faced somebody with a murderous aura powerful enough to give him pause. Though on second thought, maybe _murderous_ wasn't quite the right word...

Sasuke stepped aside, avoiding a sound of rushing wind. Something sharp grazed the side of his head, scratching him just above the ear.

He raised a hand to his bandages, now cut, and pulled them away. Light streamed into his eyes, and the suddenness of it was almost blinding. But it did not dazzle him. His eyes greedily drank the light in, and they were not pained for an instant.

He saw a woman in the black cloak of Akatsuki. Crimson nimbus rimmed with white were set upon a sable field. Golden eyes, mature and heavy-lidded, gazed at him with cold anger—indignant fury tempered by discipline and self restraint. He saw a pierced lip, and blue hair done up with a paper flower. Wings of paper also protruded from her back, flapping and suspending her in the air.

Sasuke let the bandages drop from his hand.

"Well, this is convenient," he remarked.

"Do not falsely boast," said Konan, the Angel of Amegakure. She held a hand aloft, and many card-sized sheets of paper levitated above like a halo of menacing _fuda_. Their edges were visibly razor sharp, and they were knitted to an iron stiffness by her infusing chakra. "But answer this question, and I will hold you repentant: where is the kyuubi jinchuuriki?"

Sasuke shrugged.

"What's a jinchuuriki?" he said blithely. "But if you're looking for the kyuubi, that's inside Naruto."

Konan's glance hardened.

"And where is Naruto Uzumaki?" she said coldly.

"How should I know?" Sasuke replied. "I'm not his keeper. He can go where he wants."

Konan swept her hand down. Sheaves of slicing paper descended with bullet speed.

Sasuke raised an arm, and a great, ghostly shield appeared before him, upheld by a skeletal arm. Yata Kagami, the invincible shield that reflected all elements, bounced back the unusual projectiles with double speed and force.

Konan folded her wings, and she caught the papers on them. Some of the darts pierced deep, but even those few that struck her main body found themselves passing harmlessly through as paper flesh peeled from paper bone and her body seemingly disintegrated into even more such sheets of paper.

Sasuke smiled, and his hand sparked with chidori. He swept it around, and he shaped the lightning chakra into the length and slenderness of a polearm, a long blade that sliced through Konan's midsection, where she had appeared behind him. Here, too, she disintegrated into paper, but her expression faltered for just a moment. It wasn't fear, but surprise.

Yet surprise or fear, it showed that she was caught off guard.

Sasuke smiled, and he watched the papers that had been Konan scatter once more. He read her chakra in every sheet, and he perceived the guiding will in all those disparate components.

Again he turned.

"You know, the better a look I get at you," Sasuke said, "the happier I am that you're an enemy."

He drew his sword and swept it in a wide arc, before repeating with several quicker strokes to deflect a barrage of paper shuriken. Konan was now to what had been his left when she first attacked him, floating above the street a few blocks outside the Uchiha compound.

"Incomprehensible child," said Konan. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Sasuke formed a half-tiger seal and spat a fireball the size of a man. Konan's wings swept together, once more, and they caught the flames. Whatever kind of paper those wings were made of, it was relatively fire retardant and didn't burn much. A bit of shriveled paper, some ashes and burning cinders, fell from her wings—but not a large amount by any means.

A smile turned Sasuke's lips upwards.

"Do you know what some people do to enemy kunoichi?" he asked conversationally.

Konan was unfazed by this.

"I don't fear you," she said.

"That's good," Sasuke replied. His eyes blazed, brighter and more fiery than any _katon_ jutsu. "A relationship built on fear is unhealthy."

He looked up into Konan's eyes. An instant too late, she tried to avert her gaze.

Eternal mangekyo sharingan bored into her. The pattern of those eyes filled her entire field of vision, and a void amid flames swallowed her whole.

A red moon hung in a starless sky.

* * *

A/N: I think this was a fun chapter to write. The Temari scene, I actually wrote before starting on this chap—and the bit with Shiho came as a natural progression when I plugged the Temari scene into this. Perhaps the astute reader can see how that one will end up playing out, haha. But I've known that I'd want Sasuke facing Konan from almost the moment I started considering the "plot" of this fic.

Next chapter should be pretty fun, too.

Oh, and happy April Fool's! I literally forgot that was today until writing this author's note. XD

 **Updated:** 4-1-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


	6. Courting Konan

**To Restore a Clan**

A _Naruto_ crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

* * *

"So the village is under attack."

"Just our friggin' luck."

"Don't complain, Suigetsu!"

Team Taka, sans Sasuke, were gathered in what should have been a quiet, uneventful part of Konoha. There were a couple small bookstores, and pawn shops, and a street vendor selling what might have been sushi. It was a gloomy corner of town, little frequented save by those who wanted to avoid the more well-trodden paths. It should have been peaceful.

 _'Should have been'_ being the operative phrase.

"Whatever. Why aren't you sitting at home knocked up with one of Sasuke's bastards, yet?" Suigetsu muttered, looking askance at Karin.

She glowered.

"We aren't married yet."

"I did say _bastards_ , didn't I?"

"Eyes forward," said Juugo tensely.

It was more of a suggestion than an order, but Suigetsu and Karin could recognize the necessity, so they complied.

A man, ginger haired and studded with many facial piercings, rotundly built, stared at them with eyes of rippling gray that had no clear distinction between iris and sclera. His voice was deep and nearly monotonous when he spoke, and his face was stiff and nigh expressionless. He wore an Akatsuki cloak, black with a pattern of red clouds.

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?"

Taka did not respond to this question. They stood in a reverse chevron, Karin in the rear and middle while Juugo and Suigetsu stood ahead and a little to either side.

"Who is this freakshow, anyways?" muttered Suigetsu, looking at the large, cloaked man before them. "Gives me the creeps."

"He's probably with Akatsuki," said Juugo.

"No duh." Karin rolled her eyes. "We can see the cloak. But who is this guy, seriously? I thought I knew of most of the surviving Akatsuki members, besides the leader."

"Tubby here doesn't look like he could lead a dog on a leash without trying to eat it," quipped Suigetsu.

Karin snorted, ostensibly unamused by the crass remark.

"He's dangerous, though," Juugo said. "I can feel it."

"Yeah. Brrr..." Karin shivered a little. "He's cold as ice, isn't he?"

The man took a step forward, causing them to stiffen in redoubled awareness of threat.

"Where is the kyuubi jinchuuriki?" he said in the same tone he'd used before. There was no sign of him losing patience. "Where is Naruto Uzumaki?"

"I'd tell you if I knew," Suigetsu said, gesturing apologetically. "I'm not exactly with these Leaf village guys, yeah? They're kind of just holding my sword hostage. No hard feelings, mate. I don't plan on getting in your way."

Karin punched his arm. The limb broke apart in a splash of water before almost instantly reforming.

"You're overselling it, jackass," she said angrily. "And, hey! That's my clan head, you know? Have a little tact, for once!"

"Screw you!" said Suigetsu. "What do I care about your stupid clan? I'm just looking out for number one."

"Guys," said Juugo. There was a hint of trepidation in his voice.

The unidentified Akatsuki took another step forward.

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" he said. "You say he is your clan head. You must know where he is."

Suigetsu gave Karin a withering look.

"Way to go, loudmouth. Now tubby _definitely_ won't leave us alone."

Karin flipped him off, adjusting her glasses.

"Oh, just go and kill him!" she said irritably. "You have that stupid jutsu of yours to take him out, don't you? Sword or no."

Suigetsu sniffed indignantly.

"It isn't _stupid_ ," he said. He raised a hand, pointing an index finger at the stranger. "It's a specialty of my clan." He cocked his thumb. "And it won't do shit at this range."

"Then get closer, dammit!"

"I will, dammit!" Suigetsu snapped. "Just give me the time to get ready! Geez!"

" _Guys!_ " Juugo shouted.

The stranger had body-flickered to right in front of Suigetsu. A meaty fist was raised, his exposed arm intermittently pierced with unsightly black rods, and his expressionless face inches away.

"Oh, shi—"

Suigetsu was knocked flat on his ass by the punch. There was a crunching sound, and he let out a grunt of pain, reflexively raising a hand to his nose.

" _Fug!_ "

Karin tamped down an instinctive feeling of schadenfreude, watching Suigetsu clutch his nose. It took her a moment to realize the significance of what had just happened.

She raised her head just in time to see the same fist, now marked with blood on its knuckles, coming up quickly. For a moment, she thought he was going to uppercut her. But then his hand slowed, unnaturally quickly, and he opened his clenched fist to seize her by the collar.

Then the man lifted Karin off the ground, staring into her eyes.

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?"

For a moment, Karin was afraid. Then her mood hardened into a fierce resolve.

"I'll never betray family," she growled, a look in her eye so ferocious that even the Blood Red Habanero would have smiled on her with pride.

Karin kicked, then, swinging her feet to beat on the chest and belly of her captor. He was sturdy, though, and didn't seem to react with pain. This was vain. Slightly less vain was the kunai she retrieved, using her kicks and defiant glare to distract him while she lowered a hand to her holster, before bringing it up and digging the tip of the blade deep into the joint of his wrist.

She expected either to make him drop her in pain, or to sever crucial tendons and break his grip. In this regard, the attack was a failure. Hardly any blood came from his wound, and his expression did not change, not except for the slightest hint of surprise. Neither did his hand seem affected.

Then Karin felt a faintness pass over her, and she grew dizzy. It was like she had moved too suddenly into a standing position after long sluggishness.

It took her a moment to put two and two together.

She sensed his chakra, which was increasing, and she felt her own chakra slipping away where he held her. This guy could absorb chakra, and probably negate ninjutsu. That must have been how he managed to hit Suigetsu. He could absorb chakra.

He was absorbing _her_ chakra.

He grabbed her hand and yanked the kunai out of his arm. The wound closed, healed by her chakra.

"A li-little help, guys?" Karin said hopefully.

Suigetsu sprang up and grabbed Gakido, the Preta Path of Pain, from behind.

" _Dis is for by dose, budderfugger,_ " he growled, holding a finger to the side of Gakido's head. He cocked his thumb and shot, hand rearing up from the recoil of water discharged with force sufficient to punch through steel plate.

It splashed on the side of the man's head as harmlessly as a child's water gun.

Gakido grabbed Suigetsu with his free hand and threw him onto the ground, holding him there by the throat.

"If you do not tell me where Naruto Uzumaki is," said Gakido. "I will have to kill you. God is merciful, but He is also just."

"Heh... who says I believe in your god?" said Suigetsu, ironically managing to speak more clearly now that he was being all but throttled. "He can't do a thing to a nonbeliever."

"So says a branch that disbelieves Fire," said Gakido. "But when the time of burning comes, it will be consumed all the same."

He tightened his grip, causing Suigetsu to choke for real.

"Suigetsu," said Juugo. "Maybe you shouldn't get into a theological debate with a ninja who is strong enough to invade a hidden village."

"Yeah? AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD HELP!"

A beat.

Gakido looked up just in time to see a gray, scaled fist coming right for him. And having time to see it, he had time to drop Karin and catch the fist. He squared his stance, putting a foot on the redhead's midsection, and he wrenched his grip to twist Juugo's arm, breaking it with a _snap_.

He absorbed his attacker's chakra. The dark growths that had emerged now began to recede, and Juugo went still.

But so did the rotund Akatsuki, who showed his first and final hint of true reaction as his body distorted and his flesh turned to stone. Eyes went wide in dismay, and a jaw slightly dropped, before he was silenced forever.

A moment's peace descended upon them.

With desperate strength, Suigetsu smashed the stone hand that had been strangling him. He took a deep, greedy breath of air. Together with Juugo, who used his remaining good arm, they lifted the man-turned-statue off of Karin, who rolled away and stood up, swaying a little in her daze.

"Okay... The _hell_ was that about?" said Suigetsu, looking at the former Akatsuki. "Why'd he turn to stone like that?

"I don't know," said Karin. "I sensed him absorbing Juugo's chakra, and suddenly..."

They both paused and gave Juugo disconcerted looks.

"...what?" he said.

Karin and Suigetsu inched nervously away from him.

Then they turned and looked once more at the petrified Akatsuki member.

With almost identically vindictive expressions, the pair sprang on Gakido and began smashing him to pieces.

Juugo watched this, bemused, absently nursing his broken arm.

"And they say _I'm_ the crazy one..."

* * *

"Will you accept these flowers, m'lady?"

Konan looked sourly at Sasuke, who stood before her in a dapper outfit. He was groomed to perfection and pleasantly smiling, bowing low and presenting her with a most impressive bouquet. She was wearing her usual outfit, sans Akatsuki cloak. Despite this, Sasuke was being a perfect gentleman and not leering at her faintly obscene manner of dress.

Or at least, he didn't let it look like he was leering. But this was an illusion, a genjutsu of the highest level. Who could say what the real Sasuke was doing, if he was even in here at all? Maybe he had left her lying, confident that his spell would hold her. So far, Konan had to admit that this confidence would be well-founded—she had yet to make this illusion so much as hiccup, and she had tried every genjutsu dispelling trick in the book.

But if Sasuke was here, still attending to the illusion, then Konan could only assume that time was being dilated. She knew enough about Itachi's tsukuyomi to suppose that this might be the case. Yet according to her information, this dilation of time required the caster's ongoing attention to the illusion, and that was taxing. Besides, making time pass faster inside the genjutsu did not keep her incapacitated for any longer in real time.

The only practical reason to employ this aspect of tsukuyomi—for _tsukuyomi_ this clearly was—would be to extract information from her. But it had been several hours, maybe, and so far all Sasuke had done was subject her to intermittent periods of flirtation and solitude. He'd spend a quarter hour flattering her, complimenting her skills and her looks and her wit, then give her a half hour to stew in silence. The offensively inane small talk to which he subjected her seemed decidedly worse than any amount of silence.

What was he after?

...

It had been twelve hours. Sixteen times Sasuke had talked to her and presented her with illusory gifts. A small pile of dolls, jewels, flowers, and chocolates had built up by her feet. Sixteen times also he had left her to silence, to a world of utter emptiness aside from his presents and the memory of his face and his words.

Konan stared into the abyss. Each time he left, she found herself wishing a tiny bit more that he would stay, if only so she could hold onto the anger and defiance. As long as he was there, she could think of him as an enemy to resist. But this cycle of absence and presence, this unbroken rhythm of flirtation and peace, was already building within her a sense of habit and expectation.

She was growing accustomed to it.

Every time he appeared, he ended the fifteen minutes by asking if she wanted to go on a date.

So far, she had said no with perfect conviction every time.

* * *

A half hour had passed since Sasuke's last appearance. He did not show up. Ten minutes late. Twenty minutes late. An hour late.

Konan felt herself grow restless at first. She started to feel anxious.

It wasn't because she wanted him around, so much as because she knew how dangerous solitude was—and because she had no idea how long Sasuke might be able to keep up this illusion.

But two hours after his sixteenth visit to Konan, Sasuke finally reappeared, smiling and pleasant as ever. He brought her a small meal, modest but delicious looking.

"I don't need to eat," she told him. "This is all an illusion."

"You don't need to eat in here," Sasuke agreed. "But your brain thinks more than half a day has passed. It's telling you that you're hungry, isn't it? Hungry and thirsty."

He produced a bottle of water.

Konan turned up her nose.

"I wouldn't accept food or drink from one who keeps me prisoner," she said, "even if I needed it to live. But my mind is deluded, in here. I am not truly hungry."

"If you say so."

Sasuke set the food down, and left. He did not flirt with her this time.

Konan was relieved by this, for the most part. But a tiny disappointment niggled at the corner of her mind.

* * *

A week had come and gone. Konan had to admit she was impressed. From what little she knew, Itachi was usually limited to maintaining tsukuyomi for three illusion-days at a time—three seconds in real time. But it wasn't a hard limit. She knew it was possible for tsukuyomi to be used longer than that. She also knew it was incredibly taxing to uphold the genjutsu.

After that two hour absence and the presentation of that meal without flirtation, a new schedule had formed. Sasuke would flirt with her for ten minutes, then leave her alone for fifty minutes. Increasingly she found herself growing listless during those times of lonely silence. The gifts of Sasuke's that she had at first stubbornly ignored, she now turned to in order to give herself some form of diversion from the silence.

He knew when she did that. No matter how stealthily she fondled this necklace, or how furtively she nibbled that chocolate, or how discreetly she eyed such-and-such card or flower, he would know, and he would comment on it with a smile when he reappeared. He was pleased by it, or he acted pleased, when she enjoyed his presents, and for a while he would bring her extra gifts whenever he saw her using the ones she already had.

But after the fifth day, he'd stopped bringing gifts altogether. Now two days had passed since then. While Konan was a woman of great mental discipline, being housed in a featureless void with nothing to concentrate on but some score of small objects found her starting to grow restless.

"Are you lonely?" Sasuke asked her at one point. "I'll stay with you, if you are."

Konan had to bite her lip to keep from answering.

* * *

The second week passed with the intervals of solitude getting unsteadily longer. It went from sixty minutes between visits to sixty-five minutes between visits, then eighty minutes, then ninety minutes, then ninety-five minutes, then two hours, and so on. This increasing only stopped when it got to five hours and fifty minutes between each ten minute visit.

The third week was spent with Sasuke visiting her for ten minutes at a time, four times a day. He continued to flirt and pay her compliment and solicit her attentions, but he brought her no more gifts in all that time. Every visit, he ended by asking if she was lonely.

At the end of her twenty-first day in Sasuke's tsukuyomi, Konan asked him to stay a while longer. He did so. They shared a nice meal, and they didn't talk about much of anything.

The visits grew longer, but also less frequent. Now he would see her for three hours at a time, twice a day. Each time they would eat together, and drink, though neither of their bodies had need of, or could obtain, sustenance while inside the illusion. There was less flirting from Sasuke, or at least less flattery and solicitation. But he still asked her, every time, if she would go on a date with him.

At the end of the first month in tsukuyomi, Konan finally said yes.

* * *

After a half hour of real time, and almost five perceived years of courtship, Sasuke popped the question. Konan gleefully accepted. With that, the tsukuyomi ended, and Sasuke fell atop Konan in a satisfied swoon.

She didn't mind that his face landed in her bosom. Indeed, she hugged him quite warmly to her chest.

"Darling..." she crooned, sighing dreamily. "I love you."

She had almost forgotten about Akatsuki, save for a dim memory of her past as a freedom fighter in the Land of Rain. She barely remembered the criminal organization secretly led by the man who called himself Madara Uchiha. And what she did remember, she hardly cared about anymore.

She was a changed woman.

Five years, and falling in love, could do a lot to a body.

So she held Sasuke tighter, hardly caring when she felt the pressure wave of Shinra Tensei fall upon them both, and upon all the rest of the village.

A nearby building fell atop them.

* * *

"Mom? Dad? Itachi?"

Sasuke saw his family sitting around a fire in some dark and featureless wilderness. For a moment he thought he was back in the world of tsukuyomi.

"Sasuke..." said Fugaku, looking at his son.

Mikoto averted her face, wiping a tear from her eyes.

"To think it turned out this way..." she said regretfully.

"It isn't over yet," said Itachi. "I don't think Sasuke is long for this world. He doesn't belong here, yet. He hasn't become truly solid."

"You're right," said Fugaku. "He's still just a ghost."

"Am I... dead, then?"

"The answer to that inquiry is a matter of considerable difficulty, incarnate of Indra," spoke a voice from behind him. "Yea, I might say, and also nay. Both would serve in their part, but to deny that _one_ must be finally true and the other invalid would, I think, be fallacious. Yet in another sense, whether you live a while longer or die at once, you will inevitably be dead, finally dead, with no hope of rebirth before the world's ending. But that is a high matter, and very hard for one so young as yourself."

Sasuke blinked and looked behind himself.

"So I'm dead, then?"

"At least until you're revived," said Hagoromo Otsutsuki, the Sage of Six Paths.

"Revived?"

"Oh, but of course. I had forgotten that you would still perceive time as a linear progression. How narrow must existence seem to the living!"

Sasuke turned to look at his family, bemused by this strange old man's talk.

"How long until I have to leave?" he asked them.

"A little while, as you see it," said Fugaku. "But I think there are some things we should discuss, first. You deserve to know a few things."

"What about?" Sasuke said. "The coup?"

Fugaku, Mikoto, and Itachi all gaped.

"Yyyeah. I found a secret compartment in the room under Nakano shrine when I came back home. Really shouldn't have hidden your contingency plans inside back issues of _Playninja_ , dad."

Fugaku and Itachi colored. Mikoto gave her husband a stern look.

"So... you know, then?"

"Well, I do _now_." Sasuke shrugged. "So let's not bother with the ugly matters. How about... how about we just share some time together, as a family? If everything goes well, and I actually return to life... then I hope it will be another eighty or ninety years before we meet again."

"You're still thinking in terms of linear time," Itachi said. "Isn't that right, Sarada?"

The form of an elderly woman with short, white hair and a face lined by many past smiles appeared beside Sasuke's family. Next to her was a balding, elderly man with electric blue eyes and a contented expression. They held each other's hands, looking like a happy old couple. Then they disappeared back into the mists and shadows.

Sasuke supposed they were distant relatives who had died before he could meet them.

Then he felt a tug.

It seemed he was being revived.

Hagoromo placed a hand on Sasuke's shoulder.

"Before you go..." he said. "I think there are some things we would all like to discuss."

* * *

A/N: Lots of reviewers wanted Konan paired with Naruto. I pair her with Sasuke. Lots of reviewers want this to be treated as an earnest harem fic. I continue to write it as a parody. I'm not even trying to be contrarian, but these are things I'd decided on from almost as soon as I started the fic, and no amount of demanding or entreaty will change my mind.

:P

On another note, I'm fairly pleased with how the Taka vs. Gakido fight turned out. It isn't quite like my original conception—that one put more emphasis on Gakido being kind of a natural enemy to Suigetsu and Karin, and would have maybe worked like an absurd cat-and-mouse. But I like the effect of this fight, which illustrates how dangerous even just one of the Paths of Pain can be, while also still letting Gakido get jobbed because of his inability to handle sage chakra.

 **Updated:** 4-4-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


	7. Ero Tensei

**To Restore a Clan**

A _Naruto_ crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

* * *

Eternity was a funny thing. Even at its furthest edge, in that no-man's land between Time and the Timeless, there was considerable blending of past, present, and future. Sasuke glimpsed afar the most ancient humans, first to die, and his most distant descendants, the final offspring of mortal race at the end of days. Both he saw only as vague clusters of human shapes far away, farther away than the span of all the material universe.

But close at hand were his immediate family, his mother and father and brother, and this old stranger Hagoromo—a barely remembered figure of nursery tales from when he was young. He felt the pull of resurrection, and knew that he would return to life at the moment he was revived, along with many others who had died, but he lingered with the assurance that the "time" he passed here would not count outside.

He couldn't quite wrap his head around the idea of existence without time, of an infinite Present to which all the past and future of temporal existence were as a scroll unfurled that one might attend to in any order, going at one's leisure with no need to hurry. To make it simpler for himself, he decided to treat it like it was tsukuyomi, where he experienced a lot of "time" here for a very little "time" in the world of the living.

But this was not accurate. Rather, it was that when he consented to be revived, he would be dragged along a thread, the chain that waited even now to bring him back to life, and pulled into the precise moment whence that strand emanated from impure causality into the pure world of eternity.

So Sasuke was free to talk with his family for a while.

His mother lamented his use of the polygamy clause. Fugaku unenthusiastically echoed his wife's sentiments, though when he thought she wasn't looking he gave his son a thumbs up. This got him an earful from Mikoto.

"I don't see what the problem is," Sasuke said at length. "I'm doing it to revive the clan."

Mikoto gave him a despairing look.

"I'll always love you, dear," she said. Where this needed to be said, it might prove less than true, yet Mikoto was an honest woman. "But to say that so bluntly..."

She sighed.

"I don't see any problem with it," said Itachi, preeminently logical and blindingly idealistic.

"It's disrespectful to women," said Fugaku, not sounding like he really believed what he said.

Mikoto elbowed him.

"Let's be clear. If you have to do it, Sasuke, I can understand," she said. "But I hope you and your little friend don't forget to look after your wives. If you boys aren't worthy husbands to each and every one of them, you will have your mothers to deal with when you come home. Kushina agrees with me wholeheartedly on this matter."

"Who?" Sasuke said.

"Oh, that's your friend's mother," said Mikoto. "We actually used to be fairly good friends, ourselves. She still comes to visit now and then, in between greeting deceased ancestors and descendants. Although this language isn't quite accurate to the reality... but I suppose it's the closest I can get to how you might be able to understand it."

"Sure," Sasuke said, not parsing any of that. "I'll take care of my wives."

"Don't mistake me," Mikoto continued. "I've welcomed many of them into the afterlife, already. Or I will welcome them, from your perspective. Or I am always welcoming them. Like I said, mortal language really is insufficient for speaking of a timeless reality. But as I was saying, I've met many of your wives, and they all seemed very happy. I just want you to remember not to take them for granted. Tell your friend Naruto, that, too."

"Will I remember all of this?" Sasuke asked.

"Not much, as I understand it," Fugaku said.

 _"Outside the world are visions shown, forbid to those within,"_ said Itachi. It sounded like a quote, or a snatch of song. "A lot of the knowledge you gain here will be forgotten when you return. Like waking from a dream, you might remember only bits and pieces. Except that it will be more like the forgetfulness of reality in one who dreams, remembering not the world from which they have really come until they are finally at sleep's end and ready to awaken. That is what the living (those amnesiac, somnambulatory shadows of men) call death."

"... ... ...and is any of that actually useful for me to know?" Sasuke asked dryly.

"Useful?" said Hagoromo, speaking up and causing Sasuke to remember his presence. "If the world is your chief concern, then the use of such knowledge is limited. But for one who looks beyond the world, such lore is worth all things that are within creation."

"I don't think I'm the latter sort of person," said Sasuke honestly.

"No, I do not suppose so," Hagoromo said. "If you were, the survival of your clan would seem a petty matter. But I do not condemn you, Indra."

This led into another discussion.

Hagoromo informed Sasuke of some important things, telling him how he was the reincarnation of his eldest son, and something about the world's history and the foundation of Ninshu. There was long debate involving these matters, and all of them participated in the discourse to some extent. But the path of the discussion wound on, and eventually Sasuke felt that he would soon need to return. Or however one might express this in a language with the concept of timelessness.

"You say you regret giving the inheritance to your younger son," Sasuke said, permitting the chain to start winding. "That you think giving it to me, now, might fix things?"

"It cannot correct the past, nor reverse the griefs that have been felt already," said Hagoromo. "I do not know if it was truly a mistake, either. But you seem to have mended the spirit of Indra, or to have tamed it. Perhaps it is time to try another path."

"You already know the outcome, though, don't you?" said Sasuke wryly. "Waiting here outside of time."

The Sage of Six Paths smiled.

"Foreknowledge is not predestination."

And with those cryptic words, Sasuke was bidden farewell by the sage and his family.

When he opened his eyes, it was to find his face buried in Konan's chest.

Not a bad way to wake up.

* * *

"I see the error of my ways, now... Naruto. I acknowledge you as the superior pupil, and the child of prophecy. Moreover... I acknowledge you as the head of our clan. Take my eyes and keep them safe from those who would misuse them. And take these two, who died because of Akatsuki... I can manage only the two of them, in addition to all the rest. But these two will serve you best in reviving the clan. Farewell, brother..."

So passed Nagato Uzumaki, entrusting the fate of his dream, and their clan, to his enemy and fellow pupil, Naruto. He gave his life to perform the Rinne Tensei, moved to regret and repentance, accepting his enemy as the one who would carry his legacy. Nagato died, atoning for evil deeds committed in the search of good.

At his motionless feet lay the stirring, awakening bodies of two women. One was blonde and mature, modestly curvy and dressed all in black. The other was slender, dark, and green haired, dressed in a rather scanty fashion. According to Nagato, they were former jinchuuriki.

Naruto uneasily wondered why Nagato had had their bodies just lying around.

But deciding to see out his cousin and fellow pupil's final wish now before he forgot, and seeing that the girls appeared drowsy and not yet fully aware, Naruto walked over and plucked out Pain's rinnegan. It was a gross affair, and he shuddered at how it felt to insert his fingers into another man's eye socket. He thought he was going to retch when he scooped the eyes out, and he couldn't bring himself to watch it, shuddering unpleasantly enough at the sensory feedback of touch and smell.

Nagato stank. It was the vulgar, undignified pungence of death, a mixture of intestinal putrescence and metallic blood smell. But Naruto forced himself to look at the eyes, once he had removed them. He stared long at the now sightless orbs. These had once been a man's eyes, he thought to himself. They used to see, and they used to be filled with power. But now they were blind and empty, devoid of both life and potency.

Dimly, Naruto remembered something Kakashi-sensei had once said about hunter ninja destroying their target's bodies to keep secrets from getting out.

Without even pausing to consider the potential utility of these eyes—indeed, having no real conscious notion that doujutsu could be transferred from one person to another, aside from maybe a vague idea that Kakashi-sensei owned a transplanted sharingan, and therefore not even imagining that these eyes could be of any use to him whatsoever—Naruto closed his fist and squeezed.

He shuddered and tasted bile at the sensation. He blanked out his mind to keep from thinking about how warm, or wet, or squishy it was.

Still, he felt a little nauseous.

Naruto automatically wiped his bloody hand on his pants. He immediately regretted this.

"Oh, _ew!_ " he groaned, feeling the pulpy wetness soak into his pants. He gagged. "That's so gross!"

One of the girls lying on the floor rose, blinking and looking confusedly around.

"Wha..." said Yugito, former jinchuuriki of the Two-Tails. "Where am I?"

She turned and saw Naruto dancing around like a jackass, trying to get the remains of Nagato's eyes off of his pants. Then she saw the gaunt, emaciated corpse of a man hooked up to a painful-looking amount of tubes and machinery. His empty, eyeless sockets gaped at her.

Yugito, being an experienced kunoichi and quite accustomed to battle, was more surprised by Naruto than by the dead body. She looked amusedly at the writhing young man who dropped his pants and kicked them away, leaving himself in his boxers.

It wasn't a bad view to greet a woman.

She felt a stirring beside her, then, and she turned to see a younger girl, Fuu, the former Seven-Tails jinchuuriki, sitting up to look at the bloody and sweaty blonde.

"Huh. Should we go take a bath?" Fuu said, speaking up and addressing the boy, who looked to be about her age. "You look like you could use it, and I want one too. We can share, if you want. How's that sound? Wanna be friends?"

"I have a feeling we're intended to be more than just his friends," said Yugito dryly, perceiving a faint compulsion in the back of her mind.

Fuu, who had been in the process of stripping to match Naruto, turned to look at Yugito.

"You say something, auntie?"

Yugito twitched.

" _Auntie?_ Just how old do you think I am...?"

"Pretty old," said Fuu. "Thirty?"

Yugito winced.

That was only a little more than her actual age. Not that this was really _old_ , but...

"Right. Fair enough," she said weakly.

Fuu laughed, by now quite naked.

"Come on, then!" said the verdette. "Let's go find a bath!"

Naruto stared, his face red. Yugito spied a respectable bulge.

"Maybe you should put your clothes back on, first."

"NEVER!"

* * *

Konoha was in shambles. Most of the village center had been destroyed in Pain's attack. Defenses were devastated, infrastructure was torn to shreds, and countless people were rendered homeless. Although rebuilding was to begin as soon as possible, and tents were being set up as temporary shelter, many people were in a bad way. Deaths from the attack itself counted at zero, thanks mainly to some diplomatic wizardry on Naruto's part that convinced the very man who destroyed their village to revive those people who _had_ died in his attack.

It was considered a miracle by many of the laypeople. Even most ninja were amazed and delighted by the survival or revival of all those whom they had thought to have died. Naruto was thusly hailed as the village hero, and he was praised and placed at the highest place in the esteem of his people. Although there was much hard and weary labor before them, much doubt and uncertainty and fear yet to be overcome in rebuilding their home, still for the time being people were happy just to be alive, and only the worst and most spiteful muttered about the hero's late arrival or the destruction of the city.

Lives were worth more than buildings, after all. A good building might last a few generations, but a life was much harder to gain or replace.

So the people rejoiced, and they sang the praises of those who had fought valiantly in the village's defense. People like Iruka Umino, and Chouza Akimichi, and Konohamaru Sarutobi, and Kakashi, and Team Taka, and Sasuke, and the Hokage—but Naruto most of all.

Karin turned a chipped stone ear over in her hand, sitting next to Sasuke. Sakura was next to her, looking very weary from all her labor in the healing of the hurts of the village people. On the other side sat Anko, who was giving Sasuke a vaguely respectful look. And Konan sat between those two, her Akatsuki cloak burning in a fire. Evening had fallen at the end of a bloody day, and night was quickly darkening.

"You guys had a lucky break, huh," said Anko, looking from Sasuke to Karin. "It's hard to believe you escaped alive from a fight with one of those monsters."

"Who, me?" said Karin. She put a hand to her stomach, remembering Gakido's heavy foot. "Maybe. It wasn't just luck, though. We fought for every inch. And escaped with our lives? Honey, we _killed_ him."

She presented the stone ear in her hand, a trophy from the spitefully smashed rubble that had once been one of the Paths of Pain.

Anko smiled.

"So you say," she said. "Maybe I can believe it, and maybe I can't. But he's gone, and you aren't, so I suppose there's something to your account."

Karin sniffed. "There were witnesses, weren't there?"

"Witnesses who saw you and your friends get your shit stomped."

"W-We fought perfectly well!" Karin defensively spluttered. "Right, Sakura? You know Sasuke-kun wouldn't team up with incompetent weaklings. I did just fine. Maybe Juugo and Suigetsu got beat up, but not me."

"I don't know anything of the sort," said Sakura, reclining with a look of contentment past exhaustion. "Still, I'm sure you did just fine, Karin."

She gave her fellow bride-to-be a comforting pat on the shoulder. Karin twitched, and she turned to look at Sasuke.

" _You_ know we beat that guy, right, Sasuke?" she implored.

Sasuke inclined his head. He was pale and wan, and there were bags under his eyes. He didn't look like he had slept or eaten properly in a week—a consequence of so heavily overusing tsukuyomi. The smile he gave Karin was tired, but also sincere.

"Yeah. I know you did," he said quietly.

"Are you okay?" asked Sakura, giving him a concerned look.

"Huh? Yes, I'm fine." Sasuke shook his head as if to wake himself. "Why do you ask?"

"You look tired."

"It's just chakra exhaustion. I'll be fine with a bit of rest."

Sakura was silent for a moment. She glanced sidelong at Konan, who looked at Sasuke as if he was the only thing she could see in the whole wide world. Her expression was filled with a slowly nurtured love for the man, and something not unlike a hint of fanatical devotion. Sakura wondered what on earth Sasuke had done to make this woman look at him like that.

"If you say so..." Sakura murmured. She addressed Konan, next. "So I hear you're going to be Sasuke-kun's wife, too?"

She couldn't keep a hint of exasperation out of her voice.

Konan blinked as if stirred from a trance, and she looked at Sakura like she was seeing the girl for the first time.

"Yes," she said thickly, a glad smile curving her lips. "He proposed to me, and I said yes. I can hardly wait. I've waited for this so long..."

Sakura puzzled briefly at this wording, then shrugged. She had only a vague notion that Sasuke had spent a very long time in tsukuyomi with Konan—the same genjutsu that had once put him and Kakashi-sensei in comas. She wondered if they were okay.

"Maybe. But I'm sure I've waited longer," Sakura said dryly.

"To marry Sasuke?" said Konan. "Perhaps. And I don't doubt you'll do him great service as a wife. You have good hips. You should be able to bear children very well."

Sakura blushed at this remark, remembering similar words spoken to her no more than a week prior. It had been so little time since then, really, yet it felt like so much had happened. Things were moving very fast.

"I wonder if the ceremony will be pushed back," Anko remarked, interjecting. "Seeing as how the village is in such bad shape."

"I don't know," Sakura said. "I could see that happening, I guess..."

She looked at Sasuke.

"I hope it doesn't get pushed back," said Karin.

She, too, eyed Sasuke.

He smiled and let out a tired laugh.

"It won't be delayed, if I can help it," he said. "But there won't be much ceremony. It's mostly a legal affair."

"That's a pity..." Sakura said wistfully.

"Is it?" said Anko. "I've never cared for fancy to-do's. A simple civil union sounds best for all parties. Or easiest, at least."

"I agree," said Karin. "A big, fancy wedding might sound real nice and romantic, but that kind of thing would take a long time to plan. The sooner I can consumate _,_ the better."

She grinned, and the lenses of her glasses flashed so that they seemed opaque white.

Sakura blushed. She couldn't exactly disagree with this...

"I suppose you're right," she said. "And a big ceremony might seem tasteless, after all that's happened here today. We'd have to put it off a long while, probably, if we wanted to do it in any traditional fashion."

"Exactly," said Anko. "Best to get it over with quick, I think."

"I wish we could relish it, a little," said Konan, adding her two cents. "But I also do not wish to delay our union. But what do you think, darling?"

She looked at Sasuke. So did the other three. Their eyes were bright and intent.

He could feel their glances piercing him.

"...Well, all that's really needed to finalize it," Sasuke said slowly, "is for you girls to express your consent before the hokage. For Sakura, Karin, and Anko I've already done the paperwork. A war wife like Konan doesn't even need that much—just to be written into the clan registry."

Konan smiled at this.

"That's all that's left?" said Anko. "But that might be difficult. The way I understand it, Lady Tsunade is presently comatose."

"Yeah..." Sakura sighed. "She used too much of her chakra healing the people in the village, during the attack. Spread herself too thin. She's suffering from severe chakra exhaustion. They don't know when she'll wake up."

She paused and gave Sasuke a meaningful look.

"Wait," said Karin. "If the Hokage's comatose, then who will finalize our marriage?"

There was a silence.

* * *

"Oh, wow. What happened to Konoha?"

Kankuro shaded his eyes against the morning sun, a line of fire that rose in the east. He looked down at a crater and a ruination in the midst of what had once been the Hidden Leaf. Walls were torn down, and shingles were piled in heaps as after a great storm, and tents dotted a landscape of rubble and dirt.

Temari looked down at the village, feeling a twinge of dismay. She still hadn't really reconciled herself to the idea of marrying Naruto Uzumaki, but she had at least been able to accept the idea that a tightening of the alliance between their villages could benefit Suna. _Now_ , though...

"Has there been a disaster?" said Gaara, walking up between his siblings and bodyguards. "It looks like the village was struck by an earthquake or a landslide. But the mountain appears intact, and I don't believe Konoha is near any geological fault lines."

"Maybe there was an enemy attack," said Kankuro reasonably.

"Don't be absurd," Temari replied. "What enemy could do _that?_ I mean, okay, maybe a _bijuu_ could, but..."

"Ah," said Gaara.

There was a brief silence. The sand siblings exchanged looks of nervous epiphany.

"Uh..." said Kankuro. "You don't think Naruto..."

"Oh, heck," Temari muttered. "I _hope_ not. That would be too awkward for words."

"...maybe we should go down and see what happened," said Gaara. "I wanted to give Naruto my congratulations, anyways."

Temari twitched and gave her brother a somewhat dirty look.

 _Congratulations on what?_ she wanted to say. _Getting handed my ass on a silver platter?_

She then blushed a little at this mental phrasing, and at the images it conjured.

It wasn't really inaccurate, she supposed.

* * *

A/N: I am inordinately pleased with the second scene, heheh. Half because of Naruto crushing Nagato's eyes, and half because of naked Fuu. She's probably one of my favorite of the jinchuuriki, and not just because I personally think she's one of the sexiest. Imma sucker for both tomboys and skimpy clothing. X3

Also, saw the first episode of the _Boruto_ anime the other day. From previews I'd assumed Denki would be a girl, haha. Mostly because the only shots I remember seeing of him had him blushing at or around Bolt. And it says something about acclimatization that calling him _Bolt_ now feels so much weirder than calling him _Boruto_. But the anime seems decent, so far.

Also, also, I'm feeling a bit drowsy and headachey today, so that's a thing.

 **Updated:** 4-7-17

 **TTFN and R &R!**

– — ❤


End file.
